Things I think…or Think I Thought

For the purposes of my own entertainment I am a literal thinker. Although I am generally shy…sometimes I can’t help myself.

Conversation with a new acquaintance

Acquaintance: “So…where are you from originally?”

Me: “A fertile egg…and you?

Acquaintance: “What I mean is…have you lived here  your whole life?”

Me: “Not yet!”

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy."

Someone asked me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I replied, “Celebrating the 5th anniversary of you asking me that silly question."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She replied,” if I tell you, it would defeat the purpose….wouldn’t it?”

I started reading a book recently. The more I read, the more I thought I was reading a very long poem about everything. I finally realized I had picked up the dictionary.

I find most small furry breeds of dog to be hypertensive, temperamental and a bit narcissistic. I like to think of them as "Shihtzu-frenic"!

The Pope was getting ready for his day and said to an aid, “I would like to go out for a walk today.
The aid replied, “Oh Pontiff that is not a good idea. The weather is frightful today. It is raining catechisms and dogmas outside.”

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Saddles are made of leather, which is animal hide. To put a saddle on a horse seems redundant, or at least rubbing it in.

That’s enough for now.

I’m just saying.

YouTube Tuesday 12-13-11

In the tradition of Josh from "Its Tiger Time" who originated You Tube Tuesday, here is my contribution for this week. A friend sent this link to me yesterday. "Two Dogs Dining".This is very funny! Enjoy!





I'm just saying.

Dichotomy…with Candles on it

Today another birthday stares me squarely in the face. It is an event that is unavoidable short of death and I am ambivalent about it. Those of you who know me, know my humor is dry and I am a literal thinker. I look at my birthday less as the anniversary of my birth than I do the anniversary of a very hard and painful, albeit brief labor that my mother experienced to expel me into the world. She helps remind me of this often.

It is not the time I have spent in this life, but what I have done with the time. I do not seek fame and I prefer to work in the background, but I would like to leave a legacy of value, if not by action, at least by example.

I remember many of my birthdays but there is one that is engrained and the one I remember most. I was four years old and at my grandmother’s home in very rural…very cold Ontario, Canada. It had snowed all day to epic proportions and the drifts had covered the windows. The power went out in the house, but that was okay. There were no such things as computers, video games, cell phones, and frankly color television was a couple of years away and we never watched it anyway. The home was heated by the wood burning stove that Grandma cooked on; so all we were missing was electricity. My Grandmother placed a plate on the table that had 4 cupcakes each with a candle in it and kissed me on the forehead. My Grandfather presented me with a sled that he had made by hand as my present. I blew out the candles after making my wish and lamented, “It snowed all day and now I can’t even go outside to play with my sled.”

My Grandfather looked at me and smiled. He said, “Well, tomorrow the sun will shine and when you take your sled outside I hope you look around and appreciate how much work God went to; to offer you an unlimited landscape with which to enjoy your present.”

Touché Grampa!

 I’m just saying.

Don’t Laugh! Well Okay…Go Ahead. My Relationship with Murphy’s Law

I have been a klutz all of my life. If flailing and prat falling were sports, I would have conquered Vancouver! The axiom “It’s like riding a bicycle” brings nightmarish memories to mind. My first bicycle had training wheels on front and back tires, and I had a roll bar. My parents would call the neighbors when I went out for a ride begging them to take the small children inside…both for their own safety and to spare them witnessing a traumatic event. The odd thing is that I have been an artist and a woodworker all of my life and I have never injured myself (seriously) in those pursuits. Perhaps I am a klutz-savant…hmmmm.

It started out as an annoying itch. That itch in your nose that you can’t get rid of, and causes sneezing fits occasionally that eventually make your nostrils raw, your eyes water, and your face to turn red. It became a cold. No problem, it seemed mild. Give it three days and we’re all set.

In the past twenty years I have only taken 2 sick days. On day 5 of the cold, I had no choice but to take the day off (day 2 in twenty years) because I could not think straight or sit upright for more than 5 minutes. I figured if I got lots of sleep and plenty of liquids; tea and juice I’d be fine in the morning. On day seven I developed laryngitis, and the coughing started hurting my ribs.

I went to the medicine cabinet and found 4 boxes of bandages [there is a good explanation], an eye patch [trust me], 2 tubes of Zinc ointment, a bottle of aspirin that had expired two years ago, and a small bottle of travel shampoo and a pack of used shaving blades [strategically left behind to remind me to buy more] …not helpful. The CVS [drug store] was open late and I really needed to get something to minimize the symptoms. I don’t take medication except as a last resort…I had to go. I pulled on a frayed sweatshirt with my t-shirt hanging out under it, nylon sweat pants, a fleece overcoat that had an elbow missing; I pulled my boots over my pant legs and wore an old baseball cap. It had been snowing pretty hard all day and the roads were pretty gooey, but the drug store was just a mile away, and I needed to go. The only thing that was missing to complete the fashion ensemble I chose was me pushing a shopping cart containing all of my worldly possessions. I wasn't auditioning for Runway for goodness sakes, I was shopping for cold remedies.

Because I couldn’t talk I made a list of all of the symptoms and the question “What do I take for this?” I arrived at the drug store, stuffed up and obviously [to everyone but me] a bit of a mess. I didn’t notice right away, but eventually I saw that other people in the store moved away from me as I walked down the aisles looking for relief. Eventually I wound up at the pharmacy counter to beg for help. I had my hands in my coat pockets and grabbed the note to hand to the pharmacist. All he saw was a very scary man with his hands in his pockets handing over a note. Security showed up and surrounded me saying “Step away from the counter sir!” I pointed at the note and my throat…and put my hands in the air.

Well, we got that sorted out and they [pretty much every employee at the drug store] asked me to either dress up a bit or send someone else to get medication…okay…geeze?!? I averted being arrested for poor wardrobe taste and apparently being generally scary and headed for home. It was dark and all of the lights were off in the house. All I wanted to do was take some medication, get to bed and get some sleep. The first thing I found out in a house that I have lived in for 20 years…on my way to the bathroom to take meds was…the shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark. Oh yes…I got an egg on my shin bumping into a coffee table—overshooting the bathroom.

I took the meds, got undressed and crawled into bed. My 2 dogs were in bed with me. I had barley fallen into a dozing state when the “boys” decided they needed to go out. In a mild stooper I got up to put on my slippers and fell against the headboard of the bed which sent me falling to the carpeting which found me face down and kneeling…head buried in the carpet. I blacked out for a second. When I came to my forehead felt cold and wet. I wiped it and went to the bathroom only to discover a very large [bleeding] rug burn on my forehead. It looked like a very big red eyebrow. I had to laugh. I have 4 packages of bandages and 2 tubes of zinc ointment…ha, ha, I am prepared! I let the boys out and got back to bed.

Day 14 I still had a raspy voice but I was feeling better. Not one to stay down and not one to waste time with anything I could accomplish in fewer steps, I was doing laundry and decided I could get 2 loads up the stairs at once. At the 3rd step from the top I sneezed so hard it made me dizzy. I lost my balance and fell backwards down the steps, laundry falling everywhere. As I lay at the bottom of the stairs with linens, underwear and t-shirts covering me…I thought “I should go see Dr. S” I had a bruise from my right arm pit to my waist that strangely resembled a silhouette of Winston Churchill?!?

Day 15 I showed up at my Dr.’s office. I explained what had transpired and he examined me. I love my Dr. He is a good person and knows me well. He responded “You have a bronchial infection and I am going to prescribe a couple of things to help. Are you crazy? You should see me sooner!” I replied, “Stick to the diagnosis, I’m not going to pay you for editorial I can get for free from my mother!”

Day 30 I am feeling better and I will live to fight another day. What I have learned is that a combination of being stubborn, being a klutz, and being sick can create the “perfect storm" for Murphy’s Law to wreak havoc on otherwise normal daily life.

Do as I say…not as I do!

I’m just saying.