By Way of Explanation…

Okay, in my last post I unleashed a math theory that my brother and I conceived in our teens…”The Theory of Four”. Apparently I didn’t explain it well and so I apologize and will explain further.

It boils down to an abstract conversion between words and numbers that always results in the number 4 (in the English language). For example:

The word Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (Mary Poppins…Google it!) has 34 characters. The words “Thirty Four” have 10 characters (spaces don’t count). The word “ten” has 3 characters, the word three has five characters, the word “five” has 4 characters…and there we are!

Another example:

“Silly Blog Post”. The words “Silly Blog Post” have a total of 13 characters. The word “Thirteen” has 8 characters, The word “Eight” has 5 characters, the word “Five” has 4 characters.

 So there you go. I congratulate Simon on getting it right away, but I know it is not for everyone. I can’t help myself, I think in numbers all of the time. I can do math in my head faster than I can use a calculator…just saying.

So now…here’s some other crap!

I have 2 dogs. Higgens is a 9 year old Wire Haired Dachshund, and Gibson is an 8 year old miniature short hair red Dachshund. They are my roommates…and my owners. Higgens got sick this weekend and I had to take him to the Vet. The result was that Higgy has early signs of arthritis and he is aging. It struck me that I had lost track of Higgy’s age and in fact he is 70 in dog years. Reality slaps hard. I have never spent more than a few hours away from Higgy since he moved in at 6 months old. When his mortality came into question…I think I aged 70 years. He’s my best buddy!

So now we come to today. Faced with the mortality of my buddy, I went out to start my car this morning and…NOTHING! The battery was dead! Not a serious problem except that I had an appointment for a photo shoot that I have been waiting a full year to get. Not good! Well, the battery won, and I had to reschedule the shoot which fortunately the client was okay with…phew.

Now…there is Mother! She is 85 (595 in dog years). Mom calls me 4-5 times a day during business hours to give me her “play by play’ activities of the day. I don’t mind so much. It helps me keep track of her while I am not there to help her.

She didn’t call this morning and that was okay because I was in the middle of the whole battery thing. I called her at 4:00PM and there was no answer. Okay, she outside, I’ll call back in a bit. I called at 4:30, 5:00, 5:15, 5:45. 6:00, 6:30, and 7:00…No ANSWER. I started to panic and was ready to head out the door to go to her house, and she finally called.
Me: “I’ve been calling for a while now, are you all right?”

Mom: “Why? I didn’t get any calls.”

Me: “Mom! I called at least 7 times. No matter, is everything okay?”

Mom: “ You didn’t call…you never call!”

Me: “Yes, I called. Check your caller ID. Are you okay?”

Mom: “you didn’t call.”

Me: “Are you okay!!!!”

Mom: “I’m fine, why?”

Me: “I was worried. I’m glad you are okay.”

Mom: “ You never call.”

Me: “I have to go now!” (Hang up)

***Ring***

Me: “Hello?”

Mom: “Oh…I checked caller ID and I guess you did call…5 times.”

Me: “Goodnight Mom…I’ll call tomorrow.”

I’m just saying.

Things I Think…or Think I Thought…

I have been accused recently of being among other things…”A total mentalist”, “Drinking questionable beverages”, “Being strange in a brilliant sort of way”…okay, that last one even has me confused. To that end, I let my mind do whatever it wants…I do my best to control my actions…I’m still working on the balance thing. Anyway…here’s some stuff I’ve done…or at least thought about.

I once filmed a tortoise stampede…it seemed to take forever.

I visited Australia once and got dizzy…my head spun counter-clockwise.

The Theory of Four (My brother and I figured this out)

In the English language if you convert a word into numbers and break it down, the answer is ALWAYS 4. Example:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious = 34, Thirty Four=10, Ten =3, Three = 5, Five = 4.

Silly Blog Post = 13, Thirteen = 8, eight=5, Five=4.

And so on. Go ahead try it…I dare you!

I was invited to a party once. The invitation said, 7:00PM until “whenever”. After 3 weeks the hosts demanded that I leave. I replied, “You should have been more specific on the invitation.”

The shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Stress is waking up screaming…before you fall asleep.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

I find most small furry breeds of dog to be hypertensive, temperamental and a bit narcissistic. I like to think of them as "Shihtzu-frenic"!

Paradox defined - By the time I grow up, I'm probably going to be gumming food and wearing diapers again anyway!

GOOD NEWS! I let my hair down and ran through a sprinkler today! BAD NEWS - it wasn't in my yard and several small neighborhood children ran away screaming. I was arrested and as part of the sentence, I was assigned to jail-yard cleanup. GOOD NEWS – the jail yard had a sprinkler!

Observation: Everywhere is within walking distance...if you have the time!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Another observation: One cannot be stranded on a deserted island! If you are there...it's not deserted!

Okay you get the picture…draw your own conclusions…just not in crayon…and not on the walls please.

I’m just saying.

More about Nothing…

I’m not sure why I am fixated on zero degree temperatures, except that it was -4 when I woke up this morning. The concept of what one feels when outdoors being less than zero fascinates me. I know that negative numbers come up a lot, but it usually is not a good thing. Blood pressure…it would be very bad to have negative numbers. Bank balance…if you have a negative balance, it means you have to pay the bank to have nothing…also not good.

So in thinking about the whole temperature thingy…I started to wonder what a conversation about it would sound like out of context…

A man walks into a weather store:

Man: “I’d like to buy some degrees.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry sir, they are out of stock. In fact I have 4 on back-order so technically we have -4 degrees today.”

Man: “Whoa…well can I get a rain-check?”

Clerk: “Certainly sir. Would you like Celsius or Fahrenheit?”

Man: “I’ll take Fahrenheit. You get more for the same price.”

Clerk: “Ah…good choice, and they are made right here in the US. Everyone else makes Celsius. How many would you like?”

Man: “Well, at least 72.”

Clerk: “Wow, that’s a lot. What are you going to do with them?”

Man: “Well, I’ll keep them outdoors in the sun and see if they grow.”

Clerk: “That is a big order, and frankly I won’t be able to get them in all at once…I’ll have to back-order.”

Man: “How many can I get right away?”

Clerk: “I can get 18 degrees in by Friday, but it may take until May to fill the whole order.”

Man:”That long? Well, I’ll take what I can get…but order all of them.”

Clerk: “I’ll get right on it and see what I can do. Remember though, they have a shelf life of about 5 months so be careful.”

Man: “I will do my best to enjoy them while they are around.”

Clerk: “Okay, I placed the order…and thank you for shopping at Mother Nature…have a nice day.”

I’m just saying.

Less than Nothing…

Today has produced some moments that have left me wondering if I somehow have slipped into an alternative universe. At the very least a few things happened to make me say “Hmmmm.”.

Working backwards, I woke up this morning and while sipping my first cup of coffee I looked at the thermometer on the deck. It read…”0”. None! Zero, nada, zip, bado! There was NO temperature?!?

Now, there are two terms that weather casters use that make me [more] crazy. Heat index and wind chill factor. The wind chill factor is some abstract formula that based on wind speed and direction, coupled with ambient temperature…somehow make it feel colder than it is. I turned on the news and the weather guy said, “It’s Zero out, but it feels like -8.” Wait! How do you know that? Do you have really sensitive skin? How can it FEEL colder than NONE?

I had plans to take my Mother to church this morning. She will be 85 on Tuesday, and the church planned a cake and coffee social for her after the service to celebrate her birthday…so I was pretty much committed. I decided it would be a good idea to go out and make sure the car would start because with the temperature being NONE, even a new battery could get a little “cranky” [pun intended].

I bundled up, scraped sheets of frost off the car and got in to start it. “Click…burr…urrr…click.” Not a good sign. I inhaled, looked slightly skyward and thought, “Bad timing…but a good excuse.” I tried again…and it fired up…phew. I flipped the heater on full and then went back into the house to have another cup of coffee, take a shower, shave and dress for church, all of which took a half an hour. The car was toasty when I was ready to leave. When winter strikes the miles per gallon calculation turns into degrees per gallon as you warm up the car.

I picked Mom up and we went to church. The pastor at her church is a good person, but a lousy speaker. She doesn’t work from notes and has a tendency to dive into tangential rants that stray from the topic. Today’s sermon was “Asking God for help, and healing.” She prefaced it with, “When you ask God for help, and he answers your prayer, the result may not be what you think. For example; if you go out in cold weather to start your car and the battery is dead…maybe you weren’t supposed to reach that destination.” I thought…”Yah…now you tell me.” She then went off on a fragmented observation about faith, healing, and answered prayers for another 45 minutes.

Now, the last thing that happened at the end of the sermon I am almost positive is a “Sermon Don’t” in divinity school. To get herself back on track and share the moral of the story, she said, “So…to make a long story short…”.

Now came the coffee social. There are many members in the congregation that are old friends of Mom and only see me when I attend church with her which we’ll say is not every week.

Call me bad, but there are times when I am engaged in conversation that I know right away will either go in small circles or go south quickly with no hope of recovery. In these cases my “evil twin” comes out to shorten the  experience.

There was cake and coffee. I don’t eat sugar so coffee was fine for me. One of Mom’s friends came up to me and asked, “Aren’t you eating cake?”

Me: “No, I don’t eat sugar, but thank you.”

Her: “You don’t eat sugar?”

The evil twin popped out ready and waiting.

Me: “No I don’t eat sugar.”

Her: “How can you not eat sugar? How do you live?”

Evil twin takes over!

ET: “Month to month…how do you live?”

Her: “What”

ET: “ Can I borrow your car?”

Her: “What?”

ET: “Is that the same dress you wore last week?”

Her: “Ummmm…I have to go, my husband needs me.”

ET: “Bless you.”

I’m just saying.

Melvin's Back!...

I want to preface this post with a quick back-story. Melvin has been in my cartoon arsenal for many years. He is a smart and good person who tries...oh how he tries...he just never gets it quite right...

I'm just saying.

I Have a Dream…and it’s still a good idea…

Today is Martin Luther King Day in the US commemorating the life and work of a man who tirelessly advocated the peaceful resolve of civil rights in this country. I risk dating myself somewhat but in fact I am proud of the fact that I was around to see the 1963 “I have a dream” speech live. I was young at the time and the impact of his words didn’t embed until 5 years later when he was assassinated. I grew up only knowing about bigotry from things I saw on television not from anything I heard at home. I grew up in a household that demanded respect and civility for all humans.

So, I am at work today. I do not have a government job, and I don’t work for a bank…well actually I do…it’s a financial relationship where I pay the mortgage the bank owns…and I get to live here…but I digress, and I am at work today. The drive to work was very quiet…oh wait…I don’t drive to work…no wonder.

Today is a day and an ideal worth remembering and giving thought to. Civil rights have come a long way positively since the early 60s and yes, there is still much room for improvement.

Today however I worry less about civil rights than I do civility in general. One of the reasons I watch very little television is because of the deluge of anger that is propagated by media outlets that perversely insist that this kind of behavior is what people want to see. Whether reality TV, news outlets or even commercials, we seem to be told that the public “loves to hate” whatever we can. This isn’t really true is it? Whether politics, business or general news somehow it boils down to villainizing the opposing view without offering and alternative solution. To me this is tantamount to distracting from our own ignorance by casting blame on the next guy.

 Civility. As we endeavor (and we should) to improve on civil and human rights around the world, perhaps a good first step is to approach it all with civility. If each of us starts from that simple mindset, perhaps the balance will be a little easier to achieve. We don’t have to agree on ideas, but let’s agree to approach them with some form of graciousness.
Remember…Dr. King’s ideals boiled down to the content of our character.

I’m just saying.

Well, I Asked for it…

I have been a bit overwhelmed lately. Nothing major…just a few things that have distracted me and gotten me behind on important things in daily life.

I am a very private person. I very rarely let the real me come to the surface, and I will do everything to help a friend in need, but never ask for help. That changed somewhat this week. I visited a psychiatrist to try and sort things out. I laid on the couch and opened up about what was on my mind trying to vent and clear my head. After 45 minutes the shrink said, “You have a lot going on. I see a time for change. Maybe you should think about relocating and finding a new job.”

Me: “That is a STUPID response! If you were listening…I am under water in my mortgage (like a lot of other people), and I OWN the company I work for!”

Shrink: “Okay…hmmmm, same time next week?”

That same day I went to visit an old friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. He is a “salt of the earth” kind of person; a pragmatic thinker and usually has helpful advice. I repeated the story to him reluctantly (I am a very private person) and when I was done, he scratched his chin and thought a moment.

Friend: “Boy! You got your ass on backwards! You need to clear your head and get it right. And when you do…keep track of it.”

As abstract as it sounded, I understood what he was saying and took it to heart. In a moment of inspiration (if not weakness) I decided to take his sage advice literally and change…and keep track of it. I got a tattoo.

I'm just saying.

Ilene the Pig…

I want to qualify this story by letting you all know that no actual pigs were harmed while writing it and Ilene the pig should not be confused with the Pig-Faced plastic surgeons that may be holding Jewell captive on an uncharted island somewhere.

A driver pulled up to a farmhouse to deliver a package and saw a three legged pig rooting in the front yard. The farmer answered the door and signed for the package. Curious, the delivery driver said, “You have a three legged pig. That’s unusual!”

The farmer replied, “Yes, That’s Ilene. She’s quite a pig. She was the runt of a litter and we took to her. She became a bit of a pet, had the run of the house and slept at the end of our bed every night. AND she is a hero!”

The delivery driver responded, “A hero? Do tell…what happened?”

The farmer scratched his chin, thought a moment and answered, “Well, we were all asleep one night when a fire started in the kitchen. Ilene woke us up to get us out of the house, and then she ran back into the house and dragged the kids out of the fire, saving their lives.”

“Wow! That’s amazing! Is that how she lost her leg?”

“Nah, we wanted ham for the holiday, so we cut a leg off and baked it.”, exclaimed the farmer.

“Wha…what? You cut just one leg off the pig? Don’t you butcher pork and process it for the meat?”

Again the farmer paused. “Well sure…we process and sell pork, but Ilene is a pet…and she’s a hero. You can’t kill a pig like that all at once!”

I’m just saying.

Names Anne Dickens has Called Me…

Anne Dickens has been a participating member and follower of this blog for some time now. Anne is a very funny, bright person who has made wonderful contributions with posts here over the past year. She also regularly stops by to see what is going on and comments on posts. I have noticed that based on the post, she has a name for me and how I think about things. I have amassed quite a collection of names from her…which I thought were endearing. Anne hails from the UK where God’s English is spoken, so I had to look up some of the words to get them in context.

The words include (but are not limited to) numpty, git, nub, doughnut, loon, mong, and mentalist. I decided to look them up and see if I could string together a complete description to share with you. The outcome was:

“A pubescent, psychotic moron that shows addle tendencies, and bad behavior. This description is punctuated with poor coordinative skills and a propensity for acting oddly.”

Wait just a cotton picking minute here! Like breaking a secret code, once I figured out what Anne was really calling me I was a bit incensed…until I thought about it…and damn…she’s right!

So now I am left thinking that in fact Anne is kind and sympathetic and following me out of a philanthropic kindness and desire to keep me calm so I don’t go off on a rant. Thank you Anne!

As an endnote: I have in the past few days gained a fast and large new following of people whom I think thought they were following Anne here because they love her work (and deservedly so)…but you all could learn to love me too if you stick around. Ego burst…I understand if you want to rethink the link.

I’m just saying.

Time for Change!...A New Leaf

Well, I started this blog 18 months ago for the purpose of sharing stories of daily life from a sideways view to entertain and make you laugh. Having experienced a deeply introspective and serious state over the holidays I have decided to switch directions with the content.

I have a collection of poetry that I have written over the past 30+ years that is so dark and deeply depressing each verse will make you huddle in the fetal position in a dark corner and question your own existence…that is where this blog is going.
A Haiku:
Depressing Poems
Metaphoric verse unfolds
Nah, I’m just fooling!

I'm just saying.