Or…You Could Look at it This Way…

I have been in advertising and marketing all of my adult life. It has always been my task to sell stuff to people that don’t need it, or maybe not even know what it is, but make it look good and irresistible. To that end I have been thinking lately what might happen if I used my powers of positive spin for other purposes?

Scenario #1:

A woman is arrested and put to trial for the beating death of her husband. She is charged with premeditated murder. Her lawyer (that would be me) finds out that she lived in an abusive relationship and finally snapped and fought back.

Solution#1:

At the end of the trial just before the defense rests the attorney approaches the jury box. “Ladies and gentlemen, this trial is a sham and my client is a victim of a severe miscarriage of justice. Yes, she struck him with a baseball bat, we admit that. The truth though is in fact that she called the paramedics before she beat him…yes, before! They were unable to revive him and he died. So I say to you…she is not guilty of murder…she was willing to help. No, the worst we can accuse her of is…premeditated attempted resuscitation.”

Scenario #2: (And this is a true story)

I heard a small group of people talking about a story in the news where a burglar broke into a house and when the home owner woke up from the noise, he grabbed a gun and chased the robber and shot him. The burglar was arrested and released on bail where he immediately filed suit against the homeowner for pain and suffering…and won! Someone in the group lamented, ”Yah, that’s about it. The criminals get rich and go free and the innocent go to prison…what a load of crap! Pretty soon all of the innocent people will be in prison and the criminals will all be on the streets.”

Solution #2:

I thought about it for a moment and then asked, “Why would that upset you? If what you say is literally true, and the prisons were full of only innocent people…at that moment they would no longer be prisons…they would be ‘gated communities’ with 24 hour armed security! Crime would cease to exist for them.”

Scenario #3: (Again, a true story)

I took my Mother to church on Easter. I generally don’t like attending her church because I find the pastor to be ill-prepared and a poor orator who likes to improvise. The sermon about the death and resurrection quickly went south when the pastor tried to “modernize” it with mentions of video games, smart phones and Mel Gibson movies…wtf? I felt myself feeling sick, and my head was near imploding, when the pastor told the congregation that she knew how much the stone that covered Jesus’ tomb weighed, but couldn't share the information because she was sworn to secrecy…again…wtf? I leaned over to my mother and whispered, “If she says one more stupid thing like that, I’m leaving.” My Mother whispered back, touching my arm, “Be patient. What would Jesus do?”

I leaned back and said, “It’s Easter…he’d get up and leave!”

I’m just saying.