Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Ron posted on Facebook today inviting people to guest post on his blog.
Guest post? I've never guest posted before. I mean I think of Ron as a long lost adopted father and all, but then I'm the long lost adopted daughter he keeps sealed in the basement. The one in the building you only see in creepy movies, where teenagers make out, where killers chase blond cheerleaders up broken stairs. That building. That basement!
However, maybe if I'm quiet and don't make a Blair Witch on crack type scene he won't notice I didn't volunteer. Bahahaha! Yeah...me...quiet...not make a scene. *snort* I crack myself up! Oh! Shhhhhh! Be vewy, vewy qwiet.
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Feb 10th
Dear Diary,
Ron posted on Facebook again today about inviting people to do a guest post on his blog.
This time he listed criteria. Well, that means rules. I know he can't be thinking I would volunteer. He knows I don't do rules. Well, at least the ones set up by other people. I
Criteria 1 - "humor" ok, well I can do that. I think. At least people tell me that I do. Maybe they are just trying to pat me on the head so I don't cry. People hate it when grown women cry. Especially the men types. Science proved it. Penises shrivel up and everything.
Science is scary! Especially for men!
In any case, now I know he wasn't posting this to get my attention. He really does want to keep my vulgar Tourette afflicted fingers locked up in the basement away from his keyboard and from brainwashing his "people".
Wait! I have people! But they are already brainwashed. I need more brains to wash, maybe..... Nah...the fingers would take over before my brain could catch them. Then the words would get published into the internet record for life. I wonder if the internet is anything like the Akashic records...hmmm - note to self, look that up when Ron lets me out for my "so people don't get suspicious about why she hasn’t been seen in public for long periods" time. Anyway, once everyone saw the words I put on Ron's blog, Ron would surely ground me to the basement. Maybe even forever. It's so dark down here.
Ahhhh...darkness - you make it so hard to take good pictures. Need. To. Get. Out. Of. Basement.
Oh! Angie! C'mon girl...come pick the lock for me. There's some forbidden delicacy waiting for you if you'd just unlock the door. *kiss* *kiss* C'mon girl! Quit staring at your butt and come help your mother!
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Feb 15th
Dear Diary,
I noticed Ron was mucking around in Facebook again today. He's such a show off. He's all "I have butt loads of unique hits to my site, and you don't. Nahner! Nahner!" He even stuck his tongue out...I saw it! *sigh* Ok, well, no he wasn't like that. Exactly. But he wanted to be. You could just tell. Or maybe it's the darkness in this basement causing paranoia. Nah, that can't be it.
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Feb 21
Dear Diary,
Ron has been suspiciously quiet lately. Well except for our friendly discussion today about how to deal with internet idiots with slushy slug penises, whose nuts are wedged in the couch springs and who wear aluminum foil hats to talk to aliens that have taken up residence in their rectum.
Doh! I hope the aliens aren't basing their research on THOSE people. The human race would REALLY be screwed, and then how would we have our Independence Day with Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum to save the day?
Crap! We are sooooo screwed. Maybe my alien pimp will be one of the nice ones.
I hope that Ron didn't ground me without at least letting me know. Or is getting grounded and not being told that you are grounded a part of being grounded? Shoot! Another thing I never thought to ask my mom about before she died. *shakes fist at universe*
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Feb 23
Dear Diary,
Oh Crap! Ron popped out of his hidey hole today in Facebook.
Now I know I am grounded! He asked about when he was going to get my guest post for his blog! He said he was waiting!!!
What???
There were rules! I hate rules! I rebel against rules! He can't be serious! He knows I don't follow rules!
He's had other guest posts in his sandbox! He knows I don't play well with others! I steal sand toys and bury people. No...he knows I don't play well with others!
Besides, what do you post about when you post on someone else's blog? I don't have enough original ideas of my own! How am I supposed to come up with something original for his blog? This can't be happening! Is this what a panic attack is? *puts head between knees and breathes deep*
Mumble, mumble mumble mumble mumble! *sits back up*
AND he said nothing vulgar! Seriously, he must have been talking to another Jewell on Facebook, because.....
......Aahhhhh! My. Fingers. Feeling. Afflicted. Swear. Word. Coming. Can't. Stop. Can't. Shi........................................
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THE END!
23 comments:
My dear this i the longest post you have ever done! I am shocked, I have fallen off my chair and in the process I hurt my beautiful derrier!
My jaw is trailing the floor need I go any further!
Ron must have threatened you with washing your mouth with soap!!!
Enjoyed your post my dear
LOL LOL LOL....this is super duper..wish I read this before I prepared my tribute piece today for some fellow bloggers...
This was great, made my morning!
Great post Jewell! Made my day:) Really though, get out of that basement and get some sunlight:)
Wow...Jewell seems to pop-up everywhere. But that's a good thing. I'll just keep my aluminum foil hat handy.
Jew-jew...You had to bring SSP into it didn't you! I'm afraid your post has scarred my gentle, innocent mind now and I must write about it....
Dear Blog....
*cackles*
Hey...Put that sand shovel back, that one is mine! RON! Jews is playing with my toys!!! :P
Dear Diary,
It has been 7 minutes since I made the decision to click onto Jewell's guest post on my friend Ron's blog. I am still laughing and I regret nothing....
Good one Jewell!
Julie Julie Julie! I have seen the best then seen the worst of you. Let me say one thing! Get out of that Five star hotel of a basement and live! Because if there's anything you know, it's this.
I need to pee and god bless
Cheers A
you are a treasure Jewell! Aside from the anatomical references a couple of times you did surprisingly well!
As a treat we'll up the wattage in your basement light to 30 watts...you know, just enough so you are not running laps in total darkness.
Thank you so much for stopping by...you really are a treasure :)
Fab post Jewell... made my day :-)
Hey Jewell, wanna do another guest post? MMmuuaahahahaha
this sentence - internet idiots with slushy slug penises, whose nuts are wedged in the couch springs and who wear aluminium foil hats to talk to aliens that have taken up residence in their rectum - really got me. i'll never be able to relax in my lounge again, fantabulous, great and scary all at the same time ;)
Savira...I think you might need to have a serious discussion with your chair. It's seriously slacking off in it's support of your stunning derrier! Or! Maybe you should just sit on the floor if you know you are going to slog through one of my posts! =) xo
Priyashmita...nice to meet you and I'm so glad that you enjoyed the post! =)
Sugary...well! It made my day, that I made your morning! =) Score!
Mary...thank you! =) Are you trying to tell me that my super model debut is being thwarted by the pasty basement pallor? =)
Hansi...I'm a busy, busy, girl! =)
Lisa...lmao! Yes! Yes I did need to bring in SSP! It's an equally useful in blog posts. =) Now give me back my red shovel!!! You had the blue one! Rooooooooooooon!
Paul...and just think....that's 7 minutes of your life you'll never get back! =) Thank your stars you enjoyed wasting it! =)
Alejandro! Alejandro! Alejandro! *sigh* You sooooo haven't seen anywhere close to the worst of me! =) Oh! BTW? *thunks you on the back of the head with the red shovel* You need to go see a doctor for that! =-p
Ron...I think your idea of treasure is severely skewed! =) Thank you, thank you, thank you for the new bulb! =)
Clare! =) Thank you, and I'm glad I helped brighten your day. Of course, is that even necessary when you already live in Florida? =)
Anna....*faint* Let me get back to you on that one! =)
Tbaoo...lmao! =) Glad you enjoyed it! =) Now I have visions of you wanting to sit on your couch, but hovering bum over cushion reconsidering.... LOL
I'll never be the same again after reading this! Was this rated? LOL
lol - Jorie...I was aiming at PG-13 which is a significant reduction in my language rating! =) Sorry if I've scarred you for life! =)
I knew you weren't hiding from me *sucks in bottom lip*
RON Let Jewell out more often, she needs the air and we need to create more havoc. Although locking her up for a bit did prove to give her some awesome material.
Nice one Jewell me dear! Bloody funny, a bit loony and totally you..... Now I know about your guest blogging skills, it has got me thinking..... ummmmmmm.....!!!! xx
SJ....NEVAH! It's all Ron's fault!! *wink*
Oh Annie...it was a whole lot of looney, and probably a fantastic thesis on why I shouldn't try and come up with blog posts at some insanely late hour of the evening/early morning! =) Glad you liked it =) xo
Laughing so hard I gotta go pee. Wait, am I allowed to say "pee" on Ron's blog? I know is okay with Jewell because she, like me, hearts the vulgarity on occasion, but Ron seems to have issue with it, is that what I am hearing?
Oh poopster. Too bad then I say, jolly old chap!
Fun post!
Hi Brahm...I'm glad you enjoyed your trip through my late night insanity. =) And, on average, I heart boatloads of vulgarity... =) But I imagine you probably know that already! =)
One of the most interesting and funny diary's since I read the last Adrain Mole books :)
lol - Glad you enjoyed skipping through the pages of my brain, oh, bald one! =)
Oh, My. It's a lie. You can go home again. I feel like I've come home again amongst all of the dark humor, sarcasm, and all of the rest of the wit! Thanks to Lisa Brandel for introducing me to you people! I shall pull up a chair and laugh.
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