Less than Nothing…

Today has produced some moments that have left me wondering if I somehow have slipped into an alternative universe. At the very least a few things happened to make me say “Hmmmm.”.

Working backwards, I woke up this morning and while sipping my first cup of coffee I looked at the thermometer on the deck. It read…”0”. None! Zero, nada, zip, bado! There was NO temperature?!?

Now, there are two terms that weather casters use that make me [more] crazy. Heat index and wind chill factor. The wind chill factor is some abstract formula that based on wind speed and direction, coupled with ambient temperature…somehow make it feel colder than it is. I turned on the news and the weather guy said, “It’s Zero out, but it feels like -8.” Wait! How do you know that? Do you have really sensitive skin? How can it FEEL colder than NONE?

I had plans to take my Mother to church this morning. She will be 85 on Tuesday, and the church planned a cake and coffee social for her after the service to celebrate her birthday…so I was pretty much committed. I decided it would be a good idea to go out and make sure the car would start because with the temperature being NONE, even a new battery could get a little “cranky” [pun intended].

I bundled up, scraped sheets of frost off the car and got in to start it. “Click…burr…urrr…click.” Not a good sign. I inhaled, looked slightly skyward and thought, “Bad timing…but a good excuse.” I tried again…and it fired up…phew. I flipped the heater on full and then went back into the house to have another cup of coffee, take a shower, shave and dress for church, all of which took a half an hour. The car was toasty when I was ready to leave. When winter strikes the miles per gallon calculation turns into degrees per gallon as you warm up the car.

I picked Mom up and we went to church. The pastor at her church is a good person, but a lousy speaker. She doesn’t work from notes and has a tendency to dive into tangential rants that stray from the topic. Today’s sermon was “Asking God for help, and healing.” She prefaced it with, “When you ask God for help, and he answers your prayer, the result may not be what you think. For example; if you go out in cold weather to start your car and the battery is dead…maybe you weren’t supposed to reach that destination.” I thought…”Yah…now you tell me.” She then went off on a fragmented observation about faith, healing, and answered prayers for another 45 minutes.

Now, the last thing that happened at the end of the sermon I am almost positive is a “Sermon Don’t” in divinity school. To get herself back on track and share the moral of the story, she said, “So…to make a long story short…”.

Now came the coffee social. There are many members in the congregation that are old friends of Mom and only see me when I attend church with her which we’ll say is not every week.

Call me bad, but there are times when I am engaged in conversation that I know right away will either go in small circles or go south quickly with no hope of recovery. In these cases my “evil twin” comes out to shorten the  experience.

There was cake and coffee. I don’t eat sugar so coffee was fine for me. One of Mom’s friends came up to me and asked, “Aren’t you eating cake?”

Me: “No, I don’t eat sugar, but thank you.”

Her: “You don’t eat sugar?”

The evil twin popped out ready and waiting.

Me: “No I don’t eat sugar.”

Her: “How can you not eat sugar? How do you live?”

Evil twin takes over!

ET: “Month to month…how do you live?”

Her: “What”

ET: “ Can I borrow your car?”

Her: “What?”

ET: “Is that the same dress you wore last week?”

Her: “Ummmm…I have to go, my husband needs me.”

ET: “Bless you.”

I’m just saying.