I Love This!...

Being married to a pictionary partner who was also a Psychologist was never easy...therefore...I love this cartoon!

Have a nice day!

Mixed Bag…

On his first day at a new school a young boy checks in at the office to complete paper work and get orientation. The administrator begins asking questions and filling in forms.

Administrator:”What does your father do for a living?”

Boy:”He’s a magician…but he’s still learning.”

Administrator:”Interesting. What is his biggest trick?”

Boy:”Sawing people in half.”

Administrator:”Fascinating! Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Boy:”Yes. A half brother and two half sisters.”

Things I Think
If only I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say, “If only I had a nickel for every time I heard…”


They serve seafood at the restaurant in Shedd Aquarium, Chicago. Is it possible that the slow learners wind up on the menu?


If space is a vacuum...who changes the bag?


Advertisement for a dry cleaner (not kidding)..."We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."


Some folks drink thirstily from the fountain of knowledge...and some just gargle.


A fact of winter! 98% of people driving in winter say "Oh Sh#t" just before they hit the ditch...the other 2% are from Michigan and say "Hold my beer and watch this!"


To answer the question “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” you must ask the question, was it breakfast time or dinner time?


I bought a package of fortune cookies. It had an expiration date. Does that apply to the fortunes as well?


I’m just saying

Bully for You!...

School bullying is a hot topic in the news lately…as it should be. Creating unavoidable awareness of the problem and seriously putting it to end the best way possible is a very good idea.

To that end, I will tell you a bit about my experiences growing up. I was until mid-high school if not the biggest kid in my school, always big for my age. An advantage you might think…not so much. There were unlimited “smaller” people that saw beating up the big kid as a trophy. There were many who tried, but I have always detested violence and somehow managed in my entire life to have only been in two fights. Both fights started by an opponent; and both of them ending with that opponent having serious regrets about picking a fight with me. That’s all I will say about that. Most of the people who tried to pick on me were mouth-breathing Neanderthal morons and I was able to talk out of the idea because I would use words and ideas they couldn’t even spell much less understand. I know I was lucky.

The first fight was with a little guy who wanted a trophy. I tried to talk him out of it but he had his eye on the prize and there was nowhere to go with it. Technically it wasn’t a fight because he took a swing at my face which I managed to duck and he planted his fist into the plate glass window of a bicycle shop and cut himself up pretty badly. I dragged him a block down the street to the Police Department who got him to the hospital for 30 some stitches and he never bothered me again.

The second fight was with a fella that was picking on a friend of mine essentially to steal the brand new bicycle my friend had gotten from his parents. I didn’t want to fight with him; I simply wanted to break up his attempt to steal the bike. He happened to be the son of our family dentist. The whole affair wound up with me sitting on his chest, my knees on his shoulders making him promise out loud to a small crowd that he would NEVER pick on anyone…ever again. He did.

Coincidentally I had an appointment with our dentist a week later. I protested with my father who had witnessed the fight but to no avail. With his hands and tools firmly planted in my mouth the dentist said, “I understand you had a fight with my son!” Desperately trying not to be put to death I exclaimed, “I idn’t ant who do it..he sharded it!” At that moment I was afraid the dentist would pull my tonsils out of my throat with hemostats and wrap them around the back of my head. He didn’t. He finished his exam and handed me a bag of candy saying, “I think you straightened him up a bit…and thank you.” I took the bag of candy [coming from a dentist] as a mixed message.

A third fight in my life never happened thanks to my big brother. My brother was always much larger than me and we were walking along a side street one day when one of the trophy seeking morons popped out trying to start a fight with me. I was told later that when he pushed me I started mumbling aloud, “Bad idea, bad idea.” My brother who was easily twice the size of the assailant put a hand on his shoulder and said, “This really is a bad idea. You see, my brother hasn’t taken his medication today…we have no idea what he is capable of…you see…frankly you wouldn’t be the first person he’s killed, and you might want to re-think this whole thing. Me…well I like to watch...and help hide the bodies!”.

The moron took a step back, blinked and moved on.

As a sidebar...the story my brother told the moron spread around and to this day no one has tried to pick on me...and if you will excuse me now...I have to take my medication...buwahahahaa...I mean...excuse me...bad idea...bad idea.

 I was lucky…many people aren’t. Funny stories with an important point. Visit End The Bullying  and support any effort to save lives and end bullying!

I’m just saying…and you should too!

The Bloomin’ Truth (another feghoot)…

A brotherhood of friars looking for new ways to raise funds to sustain their monastery decided to open a flower shop. They grew the plants themselves and created beautiful arrangements that were sold to the public. The citizens of the town supported the monastery and flocked to buy all of their flowers from the friars.

It was soon clear to the brotherhood that the floral shop was a huge success and they decided to expand and open another one a couple of towns over.

Now, in the town that the friars were thinking of opening a second shop there was another small florist named John. When John heard about the pending expansion he became very worried. If the friars opened a florist shop in his town, he knew that everyone would take their business there and john would go out of business.

John was desperate to prevent the competition and took his plea directly to Mayor Hugh McSween. “Mayor”, John exclaimed, “If you let them move in here…I’ll go broke! Please help me out.”

When the brotherhood came to town to look at possible locations for the new shop, Mayor Hugh met up with them. “Brothers…although I appreciate you wanting to support your monastery, I want you to know that John has had a flower shop here for 30 years and your presence might put him out of business. With all due respect I am asking you to locate in some other town.”

The friars understanding the plight and not wishing to harm another business agreed to look elsewhere.

A couple of days later a patron visiting john’s floral shop said, “Well, it looks like your business is safe. It was pretty smart of you to take your story to Mayor Hugh!”

John replied, “I knew I had to because…”

Wait…wait…wait… “Only Hugh can prevent florist friars!”

 My apologies to Smokey the Bear…and Friars everywhere

I’m just saying.

Is It Just Me…(Please Say No!)

I have a morning routine. I get up, feed and tend the dogs, pour a cup of coffee and watch the local news to keep up. I live in the northern suburbs of Detroit, Michigan USA, the home of General Motors (remember that for later).

There were 3 top local headlines this morning.

1. General Motors will re-enter the stock market tomorrow with an initial IPO of $33 per share.

2. Chevrolet (a product of General Motors) got an award from Motor Trend Magazine for the development of the Volt (an electric hybrid that will list in excess of 50 thousand dollars…yah…we’ll all get 2 of those)

3. There was a traffic accident on the busiest inlet to downtown Detroit that closed the expressway.

So here’s how it played out…

General Motors stock is a big deal around here. It means that they are going to raise money to pay back the federal loans they got on the backs of all the people they layed off before going bankrupt.

The Volt, although a great idea is priced above general market demand and in fact the cost of hooking up the “special” recharging system adds another $5000 to the cost of owning a vehicle that actually only travels 40 miles on electric power.

The Accident…A vehicle traveling along the service drive lost control plunging 30 feet down onto the expressway and slammed (airborne) into the side of a charter bus (which fortunately was empty of passengers). There was a remote reporter on the scene who could not offer any information, but managed to eat up 6 minutes of reporting the scene knowing nothing. The in-studio reporter made and obsessive point of trying to find out the make and model of the flying vehicle…this caught my attention…what possible difference could it make?

The news recycles about every 15 minutes and by the time the crash story resurfaced we knew it was a 2010 Chevy Malibu (A General Motors product) had flown off the service drive into a bus. Oh joy.

Mind you, I am not glued to the news. I shave and shower, play with the dogs, drink more coffee and generally have the program on as background noise.

So here we have, GM offers IPO, Motor Trend awards GM, accident closes expressway…but by the time I had heard the 4th recycled headlines it all sort of ran together and became a blur and what I heard was…

“Motor Trend awards GM for flying vehicle that can crush buses at $33 per share”.
And in the end what I am asking...is what does GM think about all of this and do you distill the news differently?

 I’m just saying.

Just a Couple of Things…

First of all…my latest “feghoot” post seems to have drawn traffic, but to mixed reviews. Fair enough, some folks get it, some don’t. It was a “groaner” I know, but hey…it’s entertainment. I loved puns as a child and I have a lot of them stored up that I am going to unleash on you so either stop me…or love me for trying.

I had a conversation with my mother this evening [as I do every evening] and somehow the conversation led to childbirth…not by my prompting and mother hasn’t experienced it in more than 5 decades. She took time in a macabre nostalgic kind of way to describe in some detail each of the births of her 3 sons. I was number 2.

My older brother took nearly 2 days to find his way to daylight; my younger brother literally backed up and had to be coaxed out. Me…well that’s a different story.

The day I was born my father was working an afternoon shift and mom’s water broke around 7:30PM. She called dad to let him know, and asked the neighbor across the street to give her a ride to the hospital which in good traffic was a half-hour drive. Me? Time meant nothing to me…the hatch was open, the escape eminent…so why wait?

I was crowning before my mother reached the hospital [I know this because I WAS THERE] and she was rushed past check-in to the elevator toward the delivery room…and I pushed on. I am told there was a nurse who literally held me in place until the room was ready and I popped out as soon as she let go.

So here’s the thing. I am and always have been a very patient person. I can wait; I don’t make impulsive decisions, but I don’t look back when I decide to move.

My mother pointed this out to me saying, “You wouldn’t wait and I couldn’t stop you.”

I replied, “Mom! What would you stop? You were giving birth! It was time and as the obedient son, I came out. It’s who I am. Think of it this way and correct me if I’m wrong. If I enter an elevator in an 80 story building I am patient and amuse myself during the ride. I don’t complain or get claustrophobic, but when the door opens I get out…period. There is nothing to linger over…get out!”

Mom:”Yep…that’s about it…good night, I’ll talk with you in the morning.”

Me:” Good night Mom.”

I’m just saying.

Sam and Larry (a feghoot)…

Sam the clam and Larry the lobster grew up together. They played together, went to school together and hung out with each other at every opportunity. They were best of friends. Even into adulthood they lived near each other raising their families and sharing all of the experiences of their lives together. Larry was pragmatic and reserved; Sam had a bit of a wild streak in him.

They had grown old and remained inseparable best friends since early childhood. One day Sam, who was quite old (for a clam) passed away. Larry was heartbroken. He had lost his best friend of so many years and now was alone. Larry lost interest in everything and simply moped around all of the time. Larry never really recovered from the loss of his friend and one day he too passed away.

Larry the lobster ascended to heaven and was met at the pearly gates by an upper management angel. Excited that he might be with Sam the clam again he asked anxiously,”Where is Sam the clam? I can hang out with him again!”

The angel replied, “I’m sorry, but Sam isn’t here. His wild streak got him in enough trouble that I’m afraid he was assigned to hell.”

Larry was devastated! He knew that Sam had gotten in trouble but never thought it was that bad. He started moping around again. Larry the lobster wouldn’t participate in any activities and just kept to himself.

One day, seeing that Larry was inconsolable, the angel came to him and said,”I know how close you and Sam were, and well…we usually don’t do this but we’re going to give you a weekend furlough to go and visit Sam.”

Larry was ecstatic! The angel said,”This is only for one weekend and you have to wear your dress-whites for the trip.” He handed Larry a dress-white robe, wings, halo and a golden harp. Off went Larry the lobster.

When he got to hell he found that Sam the clam owned a discotheque that was open 24/7/365. Larry figured he only had one weekend…so what the heck…he would live it up and make the most of it. They had a grand time together and Larry let loose for the entire weekend.

When Larry arrived back at the pearly gates he was disheveled with a crooked halo and a bent wing. The upper management angel said,”Well…I hope you had a good time, and now you have to turn in your dress-whites.”

Larry handed the angel his wings, his halo and his robe. The angel asked, “Where is your instrument?”

Wait…wait…wait…

Larry:”Oops…I left my harp…in Sam Clam’s disco.”

P.S. My apologies to Tony Bennett
 I’m just saying.

If you liked this story (or even if you didn't) you may want to read The Tiger Hunt and Is Immortality Legal?

I’ll Have a Drumstick Please…

Driving down a country road one day, a man saw a three legged chicken running along the shoulder. The man was amused and also amazed to notice that the chicken was keeping pace with him…and he was driving 35 miles per hour. The man sped up a little to pass the chicken, and the chicken kept pace…45 miles per hour. The driver couldn’t believe his eyes.

Suddenly the chicken turned into a long driveway and headed towards a farm. The driver stopped, backed up and pulled into the driveway where he saw a farmer working in the yard…which was full of three legged chickens.

Driver:” How in the world did you get all of these three legged chickens?”

Farmer:” Well sir, I breed them. You see my whole family likes chicken…especially the drumsticks, so I figured out how to breed extras on the chickens.”

Driver:” Wow, that is amazing! How do they taste?”

Farmer:” Can’t say for sure…I haven’t been able to catch one yet!”

I’m just saying

W.G. Reed-isms…

W.G. Reed was my grandfather (image at left changed to protect the innocent). He was a major influence in my life and one of the wisest people I have ever known. At a very young age (under 10 years old) he left home to escape an alcoholic abusive step-father and his formal education was cut short. From that point Grandpa’s education came from the practical experience of daily life and the knowledge gained from that exceeded the brightest academics I have met. He was patient, wise and eager to share that wisdom with all who would ask and listen.

Grandpa had a way of offering advice that made you think for yourself. He always gave you a choice, but always let you know his opinion as well.

As a young boy among my peers having a key ring with as many keys as possible was a status symbol [don’t ask me why]. I collected keys wherever I could until I had probably 30 keys dangling from my ring (I probably only knew what lock 2-3 of the keys actually fit). Proud of my high status with so many keys I showed them off to Grandpa saying, “Look how cool I am with so many keys. What do you think Grandpa?” Grandpa simply replied,”Hmmm…looks to me like you are locked out of a lot of places.” I thought about it…and to this day I have only 2 keys on my chain…house key and car key.

Grandpa was the go-to-guy for problem solving. Whenever one of us was upset or excited about a situation we would run to Grandpa for a solution. Invariably, he would respond, “Well…we can sit down and think about a solution, or…you can ask yourself ‘Is this the hill I’m going to die on?”. It’s up to you.”

Grandpa had a calm and unflappable approach to life, was always ready to help others first and  encouraged everyone opportunity. There is a story that metaphorically describes Grandpa that has circulated our family for years. He had his own pace, his own goals and he couldn’t be shaken…here is that story.

A farmer looked out his kitchen window and saw his neighbor in the orchard picking apples. The odd thing was that the second farmer (Grandpa) had a pig in his arms. He would lift the pig to the tree; the pig would pluck an apple, the farmer would lower the pig, who would then gently place the apple in a basket. The farmer would lift the pig back to the tree; he would pluck another apple, deposit, and the cycle continued. The first farmer watched in amazement for a short while and then decided to approach the second farmer to find out what the heck he was up to. He approached the orchard fence…
First Farmer:”Hey neighbor…what are you up to?”

Second Farmer:”We’re picking apples.”

First Farmer:”Why are you using a pig to pick apples? I mean, you have a whole orchard to pick, and using a pig to pick them one at a time is a waste of time and could take forever!”

Second Farmer:”Well…first of all, he enjoys it…and secondly…time doesn’t mean much to a pig.”

I’m just saying.

The Red Mustang Button…

I run a small advertising/marketing firm. One of the many services we offer is extensive photo and video editing. We are asked frequently to edit images to include objects that weren’t there in the first place or eliminate objects that aren’t wanted. In most cases it is possible, but it is always time consuming and takes skill.

A couple of years back we were hired to create advertising materials for a company that took stock/factory vehicles and transformed them into 600 horse-power, high performance works of art. On a cold winter morning at 5:00AM we gathered in a parking structure to photograph one of their products for use in the materials. It was a black [black…I said black] Mustang. We spent 5 hours getting high quality digital shots of the Mustang and presented the photography to the client for review. They picked a specific shot of the car they liked with the following caveat[s]:

“We really like the shot…but we don’t want a black Mustang, we want red…bright red…and we don’t like the parking structure background, we want a blank black canvas…and we want the car to be in motion…with a burn-out (smoking tires)…can you do that?”

Me:” Yes we can, but it will take time…and it won’t be cheap.”

Client:”Just do it.”

It took 2 people a combined 30 hours to make the edits with hundreds of layers in Photoshop…but we did it! We presented the finished image to the client with an invoice for the work.

Client:”This is great! No problem on the cost…but why did it take so long?”

Me:”Because…there is no…”Red Mustang Button” in Photoshop!”

We also had the opportunity to work with a national pizza chain on regional television and still advertising. The client insisted on complete creative control over content and had written 3 commercials that they wanted produced. The ads were…bad and we tried desperately to show them why to no avail…but it’s a paycheck…and we did warn them. One of the commercials featured 2 top executives from the pizza empire who wanted to waist their 15 minutes of fame on these commercials one of which had them dangling from cables in sky-diving outfits in front of a green screen. The premise of the ad was the lengths customers would go to pick up a hot, made-to-order pizza from one of their stores. We added the sky-diving scene to the video in postproduction, they loved it…and the ad aired…for 1 week before they pulled it. The consumer response to the ad was a resounding yawn! After we saw the numbers for response I edited images for the ads metaphorically to match the “success” of the commercials.

Recently we were asked by a client to edit in some of his products into existing lifestyle (Home room scenes). He wanted to use existing royalty-free images and place his product. I had to ask, “What is your budget? There are many things to consider. First we have to find good quality scenes that match the product, and then we have to consider color, lighting, shadows, etc. and fit the product in. It is a time consuming process and the end product is based on knowledge, skill and time. ” I gave him and estimate of cost.

Client:”Whoa! That seems high. What if I paid you half of that?”

Me:”Half…hmmm…you could do that, but which half of the images would you like edited?”

Client:”I want the images but why is it so expensive?”

Me:”What we provide is a service based on skill…not a commodity. I’m going to answer that question with a story.”

The boiler in a large office building went on the fritz and the maintenance crew could not figure out the problem. A new boiler was not in the budget if avoidable and so the property manager called a retired maintenance engineer who had kept the boiler in tip-top shape for 20 years.

Engineer:”I’m retired you know. Can’t anyone else figure it out?”

Manager:”No and believe me they tried. Please, please come in and see what you can do.”

Engineer:”Well okay, but just this once, and I want cash for the repair.”

Manager:”Whatever you want, just please get over here.”

The engineer showed up with a paper bag in his hand and said he would take care of it. He locked himself in the boiler room. There was a racket for a few minutes coming from the boiler room and then the engineer reappeared with the paper bag in his hand.

Engineer:”Okay, all set. It’s working…here.” He handed the manager an invoice for $1010.00.

Manager:”Wow, that was quick…thank you…whoa this invoice is high! Why so much?”

The engineer opened the bag and pulled out a hammer:”Remember, you agreed to cash. The $10 is for the hammer…the $1000.00 is for knowing where to hit the pipes!”

My client replied:”Okay…I get it...proceed” We got the work at full cost.

I’m just saying.

I Might Be a Criminal!?!

I am home on Saturday for the first time in weeks to take care of domestic needs...laundry being one of them. I am usually very good about checking pockets before the wash.

I threw a load of darks that had been washed in the dryer and came back to check on them. There was a horrible racket coming from the dryer so i opened the door to see what it might be. I found $0.63 in change, a single and a 5 dollar bill that had gone through the wash and were being "fluffed".

Technically this is "money laundering" which is a crime...can I plead insanity?

I'm just saying.

I'm Over at Lisa Brendal's Today

Hi. I'm guest posting at Lisa Brendal's Blog today and I'd love it if you stopped by to give it a read and support Lisa as well. It's a nice story about love...you'll enjoy it.

I'm just saying.

Infomercials…

I am a morning person. Always have been…always will be. I rarely sleep in past 6 AM. As a result I set the coffee maker to start brewing at 5:30AM. The routine is that I get up, pour a cup of coffee, feed the dogs and go up to check my emails. I like to listen to the morning news but if I’m up at 5:30 it doesn’t start until 6:00AM and so I am subject to “Paid Advertising” for a half hour.

Sunday I followed my usual routine and was checking email before 6:00AM. There was some sort of infomercial on that I passively listened to while I was logging onto email.

The voice on the picture box said,”I know you are watching this because you want to get started using the AB-Doer (crunching, exercise, weight loss, expensive machine thingy) because you are ready to get fit!”

 I glanced at the TV not at all interested and replied out loud, “No…I am watching you because I would have to reach over my cream cheese bagel and coffee to get to the remote to change the channel…and that seems like too much work.” I hit the mute button, ate my bagel and turned the sound up when the news came on.

 I’m just saying