In The News…

I troll the news daily looking for ideas, opportunities and entertainment.

Evo Morales, the President of Bolivia Declared that hormone fed chicken is the reason for male-pattern baldness and homosexuality. WTF?

According to Evo, Speaking at an environmental conference that chicken producers injected fowl with female hormones and insisted that "when men eat those chickens they experience deviances in being men".
The Bolivian president since 2005 added that eating chicken could make men go bald.

Okay…I happen to like chicken and because I have never experienced even the slightest urge to “pal-up” with another man I am reasonably sure that I am heterosexual…or maybe just a slow learner.

More than the President’s claim I am now worried about the conspiracies afoot. In Michiagn, the state I live in there is a restaurant in Frankenmuth named Zehnders. They are famous for serving family style chicken dinners and have been doing so since 1856…so what is the ulterior motive? In their history they have served an estimated 61.6 MILLION pounds of chicken to their customers. What is the end to the means???

All of this leads me to ask:
 1. In a poll…how many bald gay people are prolific chicken eaters?

2. Do eggs count?

3. Does it cause homosexuality and baldness or do you get a choice?

4. We have all been asked to eat things in our lives based on the premise, “You’ll like it…it tastes like chicken (frog legs)!” Do these food items contribute to the same physiological phenomena?


It is absolutely not my intention in this post to disparage alternative lifestyles or suggest diet changes to anyone…I would however like to see data that supports these notions.

I’m just saying

BFF…WTF?

This post is inspired by AJ Poliquit…so thank you AJ!

I hate gossip, I hate yacky gossip headlines and I hate reality TV (Except for Deadliest Catch). I don’t listen to it, I turn it off, and I think anyone who needs it also needs years of deep therapy, so I really know very little about Paris Hilton. The fourth generation heiress-apparent to a hotel empire, Paris seems to be friend deprived.

Apparently after blowing through friendships with Nicole Riche and Lindsay Lohan, Paris decided to produce a reality show in which she searches (pays for) her new best friend. Okay…tell me this is not pathetic on every level humanly imaginable. Who decides this is relevant broadcasting?

So I decided to dig into the story and I found that the TV series was a contest among young [questionably intelligent] girls to become Paris’ new best friend. WTF? As it turns out the contestants to become Paris’ new BFF are a collection of people who much like Paris couldn’t fill an order of fries at McDonald’s on a good day much less make a substantial contribution to society and winning the competition would most likely have to set them up for life because, any of them would have difficulty beyond the concept of “breath in…breath out” to succeed at anything worthwhile.

So as far as I can tell, the precept of the series according to Ms. Hilton is:

1. You cannot be smarter than me…which is the biggest hurdle because frankly I have a coffee table I made by hand 20 years ago that has a higher IQ than Paris.

2. You cannot be prettier than me…which is easy because Paris believes that No One is prettier than her.

3. You can never imagine being more important than I pretend to be…enough said.

I have the solution! The perfect BFF for Paris is a common garden slug. It meets all the criteria and Paris can carry it around in her handbag with “Tinkerbelle”.

The point is this…Paris, cure a disease, solve a global problem or simply admit that you are 24 hour news feed fodder and useless otherwise. Great Grandpa is surely rolling over in his grave by now.

At the very least choose the slug as your new BFF because:

1. I’m her agent and I get 15% of everything she makes off of you…and oh yah

2. It’s a slug, and I would rather she be in your handbag next to Tinkerbelle than in my garden!

I’m just saying

It’s All Rhetorical…

So…I noticed in the news this week that Lindsay Lohan’s stint in jail moved up the top ten headline list above updates of progress of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The news outlets have apparently decided that the general public craves following the antics of a spoiled celebrity over containing a disaster and the long-term effects it has on our environment and economy. Hmmmmm.

A Haiku:

Lindsay’s orange garb

Trumping the oily ocean,

All I see is Red

It is suggested that Lindsay will only spend about 3 weeks of a 9 month sentence in prison and then be moved to a rehabilitation facility. In the interest of headline parity I would suggest that we drop Lindsay off in her orange prison jumpsuit on the shores of South Florida with a scoop and a bucket and have her make her way along the Gulf shores picking up oil globs until she reaches Texas. That shouldn’t take more than 8 months…should it?

In other news, there is a buzz about Chelsea Clinton’s [daughter of former President Bill Clinton] wedding. Since we [The US] booted royalty out 234 years ago I suppose this is the closest thing we will have to a royal wedding this year. I remember in 1981 when Nancy Reagan (President Reagan’s wife) challenged the Queen of England for not inviting President Reagan to Charles and Diana’s wedding. The royal response was “He is not invited because he is simply a politician.” Ouch! So it makes me wonder if the Queen was snubbed by the Clintons guest list with”She is not invited because she is simply an aristocratic ornament.”…No offense your majesty.

I’m just saying.

…And so that’s Why You Have to Read This Right Now!

My monthly kudos to fellow bloggers that you really need to catch up with.

Wes Lambert – Mocking Movies. Wes is an intelligent young man with an obsession for watching film and reviewing the results. Wes’ critiques are thoughtful, fair and uninhibited. Big or small, blockbuster or obscure foreign film, Wes is on top of it with a review, explanation and the larger metaphor. I have no doubt that Wes has some blockbuster screen plays rattling around in his brilliant mind. Pay this blog a visit! Wes encourages input and debate. Roger Ebert…eat your heart out (sorry…not literally).

John Gilbert – The Blog Farm. John is in the fledgling stages of a blog library and his devotion is at least admirable. This is a place to list your blog and join a community that is diverse…and cares. Support The Blog Farm if you aren’t already, and if you are a member – go there often and support your fellow bloggers!

Jewell – Really? Wait? What?. Jewell is irreverent, not shy, perhaps a little crabby but always spot on!. She says out loud what we all think about daily life. Jewell’s posts are straight forward and to the point but supplemented with footnotes [I love it]. Like a daily comic release Jewell helps us keep life in perspective and does a fine job of it.

Get busy and support your fellow bloggers!

I’m just saying

I Think My Brain is Getting Smaller, and…Wait, What Was I Talking About…?

I know we have all heard many times that humans only utilize about 10% of their brain’s potential. I have long been of the opinion that I use 100% of my brain, but that 90% of it is storage. Yep, I use it all. The problem is that the 90% that is storage is a lifelong collection of useless trivia. Trivia can be useful and does serve some purpose, but now I fear that the container in my brain for that trivia has rusted through and the junk is clouding the brain stuff I need every day. I know this because I made an appointment to see my Dr. having told him of my concerns about selective memory and he arrived in the exam room in a haz-mat suit.

I offer comparative proof of my corroded brain compartments with the following:

Good 1a. I have NEVER lost a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Not so good 1b. I have forgotten who I am calling WHILE dialing the number more times than I care to share.

Good 2a. I remember the first phone number I ever had as an adult

Not so good 2b. I spent 3 minutes this morning looking for my glasses which as it turned out…were on my face.

Good 3a. I can recall entire dialogs from Bugs Bunny cartoons that aired 50 years ago.
Not so good 3b. I forgot the point of this post.

Oh yah, small brain…corroded trivia container. I blame Google for all of this. Automation has eroded the walls in my brain that separate trivia from stuff I need every day, and now I am rendered less capable of functioning normally. Actually I am simply documenting precedent to file a massive [frivolous] lawsuit and I think I have a good case.

It started out innocently enough. As a child growing up I absorbed everything around me; Sights, sounds, silly facts...anything and everything. I became as an adult what a former professor referred to as “A veritable encyclopedia of totally useless knowledge.” I took it as a compliment…until recently. Much of what I learned has been put to practical use in daily life, but the vast majority of what is stuffed in my head is good for little more than entertainment and small talk.

The functional part has served me well, but the leaking trivia container has encroached on my sense of logic.

“We need to present the ad campaign to the client next week. When will the storyboards be ready/”

“The average thickness of a butterfly wing is 0.08”

“What? Storyboards. When will the storyboards be ready?”

“The chemical formula for coffee is C8-H10-N4-O2.”

“What?”

“Tuesday…sorry, I meant Tuesday.”

I keep lists and notes for everything these days. If I don’t…it’s a crap shoot that I will remember even simple things. I went to WebMD and couldn’t find anything about leaking trivia containers, but I’ll keep looking. A friend suggested doing crossword puzzles and Sudoku, except that what happens when I do that is that I remember patterns of words and numbers, but not to turn the oven off after baking.

 

In part I think that with the onslaught of reality TV (oxymoron), CGI graphics in movies, virtual worlds and the internet, fantasy has become more prevalent than reality, thus eroding the trivia container in my brain.

 I’m going to work on this dilemma, but suddenly I feel tired. I would go and take a nap…but I went out on the deck to get some fresh air and locked myself out of the house, so I am writing this post while I wait for the locksmith to show up.

I’m just saying…I think

My Octopus’s Father Can Take Your Octopus’s Father

So, I have to admit I have not closely followed the World Cup soccer matches. It’s not that I don’t like soccer but more that I am not a sports fan of any kind.

My son Justin played soccer from age 6-10 and I was interested and involved. From assistant coach to mere spectator I never missed a game.

Digression #1: As an assistant coach in Justin’s last year of soccer I was left with a bad taste of the sport when a “Soccer Mom” from the opposing team singed my eyebrows with a tongue lashing over a sloppy goal and the fact that if her son had been played more it wouldn’t have happened. I replied, “I’m not your son’s coach, you’re yelling at the wrong person.” She responded by elbowing me in the ribs. Note: Soccer Moms are a volatile species. In fact…with all of the riots that have occurred during international soccer matches in recent history, I am willing to bet if we reviewed films, we would find that a soccer mom incited the chaos.

So here we have Paul the octopus who has successfully predicted the outcome of the World Cup matches. How did Paul get this job? Did the soccer association run and ad in the paper? Was there an interview process? What forms of wildlife didn’t make the cut? Does Paul have a resume? Is Paul the “Jimmy the Greek” [famous sports betting odds maker] of deep sea invertebrates?

At any rate, I am writing this post short of knowing the results of the World Cup finals and either Paul will be 100% correct, or he will be 1 shy. In either case Paul will become famous. There will be a world tour, book signings [octopi emit ink and can sign 8 books at once], appearances on late night television, etc. But please Paul, be careful about appearances in Canada or the US especially during hockey playoff season!

The octopus holds an entirely different role in the world of hockey. Dating back to the original 6 teams in the NHL [Montreal, Toronto, Chicago, Detroit, Boston and New York] the eight tentacles of the octopus represented the number of wins required to win the coveted Stanley Cup. For more than 50 years it has been a tradition for fans, in the height of playoff fever to throw an octopus onto the ice during a game. This is a curiosity to me because octopi are not indigenous to any of the cities of the original 6 NHL teams.The only other eight legged species is spiders.Throwing a Daddy Longlegs spider onto the ice simply wouldn’t have the same impact.

Digression #2: I am of Canadian stock and watching Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday night was required viewing. If you breathed even a sigh of disapproval you could be boiled in bacon fat and fed to the livestock [legally!]. As an adult, the Canadian heritage part of me understands the tradition, but there is also a part of me that sees throwing octopi on the ice as a waste of perfectly good sushi.

So here is the point. Paul, I hope you are 100% correct and your career soars from here, but just for your own safety please stay away from the western hemisphere during hockey playoff season. At best, the headlines would record a horrible case of mistaken identity.

I’m just saying.

Of the Millions of Thoughts Rushing Through My Mind…Here’s What I Landed on…

1. In my last post I told you all about a couple of organizations that provide critical services to a larger community and invited you to comment with links about your favorite not-for-profit organizations. There was not a single comment. SHAME ON YOU (not so much). So much for creating greater awareness of things you support. I really am interested in knowing about other groups that the readers support.

2. I’m going to check myself into an anger management program. I live in a busy metropolitan area and Road Rage is common. For myself, I don’t care. I give myself plenty of time to get from one place to another and if traffic holds me up…so what! I keep my schedule loose enough, and I rarely have emergencies. I was on my way home from a meeting and decided to stop at the market to pick up some groceries. The market is a short distance from home and when I leave, I have to make a left turn into traffic to get there. So there I was…minding my own business waiting to make a left turn. The light at the corner (less than a block away) turned red and the lane filled up with cars. The last car to pull into line half-blocked the exit and so I inched out to make my turn. To my left was an obviously impatient driver who from 100 feet away blew her horn and yelled out of her window something that suggested that my parents had never been married. Whhadda-wha? It’s an exit to a main street. Is it not common courtesy to keep it clear? Let me back up a moment. Business exit…red light. Had I not crawled into traffic in front of “the driver”, she would have wound up 7 (SEVEN) feet closer to a red light, stopped in traffic. I snapped! As I pulled out to complete my left turn I waved at the driver…and by wave I mean I offered a hand gesture that might suggest I had lost 3 fingers in an accident…for the first time in my life! When I finally got home I was angrier at my own reaction than I was with the simple minded, selfish, self absorbed sense of entitlement of the idiotic, inconsiderate driver who needed to be seven feet closer to standing still at a red light. Oops…did I say all of that out loud? I’m going to check myself into an anger management program.

3. These days it is easy for everyone to love to hate banks…and who am I to burst the bubble. I am a small business owner and I have had a business line of credit with a particular bank for almost 7 years. I have never hit the credit limit, I have never let the balance run longer than 90 days, and I have never made a late payment. I got a letter this week from the bank that essentially said “After reviewing your business credit rating we have decided to cancel your account. You have the choice of agreeing to close the account, pay the balance due and if after 30 days you do not agree; we will increase your interest rate by 100% and still close the account with full balance due.” I have stellar business credit. The bank that sent me this letter is by the way the #2 bank to receive a portion of 70 billion dollars in a bail out paid for by…wait…tax payers. I called the bank to find out why exactly they stopped liking me and I got a person who lived in (sorry for the un-PC statement) Bombay! “Why are you cancelling my line of credit?” She replied, “Your line of credit is too small to extend.” “What. I have never overextended my credit or paid late or ran past 90 days…how good are the rest of your customers?” Reply, “your credit line is not big enough.” My reply “Extend my credit!”. Her reply, “Your business isn’t big enough.” Sensing the circular non-ending cycle of this conversation, I ended the “recorded” conversation with the verbal equivalent to the one fingered wave. Historically, I would like us as a global society to revisit public floggings.


I’m just saying.

Things you Should Know…

This is a bit of a departure from my normal posts, but there is method to my madness. I have been very fortunate in having people from all walks of life and from all over the world begin to follow this blog and I want to exploit that fortune by telling you a bit about two organizations I feel passionate about, and ask you to share information and links about organizations you feel as passionate about. Please share the information, and let’s encourage each other to know more about good things that are happening in our world.

Detroit Institute for Children - The Detroit Institute for Children (DIC) has been providing specialized diagnostic, medical and rehabilitative care to children with disabilities since 1920, however, The DIC’s legacy of caring for children with disabilities dates back to 1904. 

Mission:
To care for children with physical or developmental disabilities, neurological or behavioral special needs in a way that is positive, passionate, integrated and family-centered so that the children can maximize their potential within their families and the community.

Services:
A comprehensive array of services and programs provide a continuum of care for children and young adults with physical, neurological or developmental disabilities.

The professional staff of The Detroit Institute for Children, including physicians, therapists, nurses, social workers, psychologists, orthotists, and other technicians and specialists all take great pride in providing the highest quality care available. The emphasis of care is placed on treating the whole child, not just the disability, and working with the child’s family and caregivers to maximize his or her potential for independent functioning.

Whether a child’s condition is the result of a birth defect, illness or injury... whether a child is mildly involved or more severely affected... whether a child requires multiple weekly therapy sessions and equipment, or monitoring by a specialty physician only once or twice a year...The Detroit Institute for Children is here to help.

Lustgarten Foundation - To advance the scientific and medical research related to the diagnosis, treatment, cure and prevention of pancreatic cancer by:

• Increasing funding and support of research into the biological mechanisms and clinical strategies related to the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of pancreatic cancer;

• Facilitating and enhancing the dialogue among members of the medical and scientific communities about basic and clinical research efforts that relate to pancreatic cancer;

• Advocating an increase in the annual budget of the National Cancer Institute with emphasis on research related to pancreatic cancer; and

• Heightening the public's awareness of pancreatic cancer diagnosis, treatment, and prevention and providing informational support for pancreatic cancer patients, their families, and friends.
Please share your information and links in your comments.

Pancreatic Cancer unless diagnosed very early (which rarely happens) has a survival rate of less than 5%. Mariann (my late wife) was diagnosed in stage 4 and survived for 9 months. July 13, 2010 will mark 5 years since we lost Mariann.


I’m just asking!

It Had To Be Said

Part 2 of a "Best of" series for the holiday.

Short and sweet, and I apologize, but it's not my fault my mother is fodder for comic relief.

I took my 83 year old mother in for cataract surgery this week. After the surgery she was prescribed a cocktail of eye drops that she must take for 3 weeks. I call diligently twice a day to make sure she has administered the drops as prescribed.

I called her this evening to be sure that she had taken her drops. She said “These drops are a pain in the butt!” I replied “Then you are not using them properly!”
 
I'm just saying.