I’m Going to the Chapel, and I’m Going to…

Nope! I’m not getting married. According to close sources that would require dating, or at least being involved in a relationship…hmmmm, a different story. I did however attend a wedding yesterday.

Angela and Rob, two very dear friends got married yesterday. Angela and Rob are two of the nicest, most genuine people I know and they will indeed build a fine life together. Angela was until earlier this year my next door neighbor. I have known her for about 6 years. Rob, I met last year when Angela introduced him to me. I have been a kind of segregate father to her (Who Stole My Neighbor).

The wedding and reception were held at the historic Detroit Yacht Club. Established in 1868, it has been the hangout of prominent Detroit boat owners and is housed on an island north of downtown in a waterway that separates the Detroit River from Lake St. Clair. A beautiful facility.

 The wedding was at 3:30PM. It was 88 degrees with 90+% humidity. No problem, we’ll be on the water…it’ll be cooler. NOT! There was not a breeze to be had. The programs were printed on thick card stock and made wonderful fans.

 

The ceremony was held in the Great Hall of the club in front of an enormous fireplace that was at least 16 feet wide and climbed to the ceiling some 30 feet up. Something that struck me at the beginning of the ceremony was that Angela and Rob were being married under a carved relief of Neptune…not sure what that will mean in their future.

The ceremony was very nice. There was the usual sort of rhetoric and then the bride and groom spoke their devotion to each other. Rob went first. He was nervous (DUH) and lost his place at one time. It was very touching and most definitely sincere.

Then it was Angela’s turn! Angela is a very talented musician, vocalist and poet. When it was her turn, she grabbed the microphone, stepped away from Rob and said” I know we talked about our vows, but that doesn’t work for me”. She went into a huddle with the bridesmaids. Rob was aghast! When the huddle broke, Angela started in acapella an original upbeat love song to Rob, and the “Angellets” accompanied with backup vocals and dance. It was classic!

The evening was very nice and I sat at the table with most of the musicians from the (real) R&B band that Angela was lead vocalist for.


It was a good day!


I’m just saying!

Pardon Me

Okay...quick and easy. Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you were calling, or listen to someone and go off in a fog? A short limerick...

Pardon Me

I remember once
something you said
and how it provoked
a thought in my head


I pondered and stewed
and pensively brewed
and dwelled on that thought
in my head

But now you see
you must pardon me
for I’ve forgotten what it was
that you said



I'm just saying

The Moment Before

In not keeping with my usual silly poop jokes, I have a boat-load of poetry to share because...well I had time, I thought it and I wrote it. This poem's meaning slapped me in the face today (again). I wrote it last year, but the under lying metaphor is constant and has many applications.

It comes from the moment someone tells you something that is irreversible and finite. We all want to change things, to believe there is another way, but at times that simply is not true. The moment that reality sets in, we instinctively think back. It is in the moment...and the moment before... Please enjoy.

The Moment Before

The sounds surrounding echoes,
background
the filament
the burning idea
the presence
the ambient bright notion
that consequence is lightened
by faded memory
or heightened imagination

In this quiet
finite moment
breathing slowly, quietly
so as not to burst the idea
the change is evident
unavoidable
trusted to consensus
insanity wins the draw

Brisk inhale of frosted air
ignites the senses
renews the process
forge – furrow – frequent
return to an erased past
migrant present
redundant future
laying claim to reasons
growth can ignore

Lay to waste—purpose
this hidden gem
a darkened secret surrendered
guidance reveled and deplored
to choices of end
of crashing conclusion
of anxious repose
Ne finis pas
Finis
finis

Stuff That Got In The Way of My Lense...

Well here we go. Among the many things I do to satisfy my very short attention span is photography. I made a living as a commercial photographer for about 15 years and didn't love it. I enjoy the creative side but had a problem with making stuff look better than it actually was so people would spend money on it. By contrast, the creative stuff I did as a hobby was leaving things as they are and capturing details. For me the beauty is in the texture, contrast, layers and color. Here's some stuff I did..

This was a chicken coop on an abandoned farm. I just liked all of the textures in the frame.

I was out driving in the country one day and happened on this barn. I got a lot of shots of it, but I like this one for the textures and contrasts.

This is the gate tower of a castle in England. Again...color, texture and contrast. I also enjoyed the contrast of the sundial and the analog clock. As I was taking this shot the gentleman standing next to me pointed out "You know...the analog clock is running 1 minute behind."...and people call me anal retentive...

Warwick Castle. I spent 2 days here touring the grounds. An amazing place. The original foundation structure (Ethelfleda's Mound) is a thousand years old.

Not exciting, but there is a story. I was doing a food shoot for menus of a national restaurant chain, and this little guy was collateral damage...a memorial of sorts.

I was staying at a friend's cottage helping close it for the season. I was having a cup of coffee on a very early October morning on the sun porch and thought this shot was a keeper.

Not a Photograph

In keeping with my affinity for "Poop" jokes...I like to draw old outhouses as well.

Anne Reid and BA...this post is for you :)

I'm just saying

Candy from Strangers

So I have been whining for a couple of days about my writer’s block for this blog [wah, wah] and I had an epiphany. While corresponding with a dear friend who is in the early throes of writing what appears to be a very compelling novel, it struck me! I am putting way too much pressure on myself to keep up with a great audience on something that will never be more than outlet and journal hobby. I got the gift of telling stories and humor from my father and grandfather and when I write I only hope to live up to the true humor and value of the story because frankly most of them are funny in spite of me.

I started this blog nearly a year ago because another dear friend told me to. I shared a story with Joslyne and she insisted that I start a blog and share my stories. So I did…and I had one follower. That was fine because I had a finite audience to entertain and no pressure for frequency. It started to grow and I wrote more frequently and dug down deep to record pieces of my life for the benefit and entertainment of others. Now I have a following of a grand mixture of people, personalities and diverse lives that frankly amazes me. I owe you all a lot for caring about anything I have to say.

And it occurred to me. I have not simply started writing an online collection of silly stories, I have been invited into a community…a neighborhood if you will of bright, diverse and talented people who graciously check up on my work to find out what in the world I am thinking at that moment…thank you all. There are some very cool, smart and capable people in this neighborhood and I would really like you all to get to know each other. You are all very important to me and if you look around you will find that you are important to each other as well.

In the blogosphere world with the crowd I am hanging with I am the annoying miss-aligned wobbly wheel on the grocery cart you always get stuck with, and to some extent you all are those who will put up with the misguided tool because in the end hopefully you wind up with what you came for…food for thought, and again I thank you.

To the point of the title, being here is indeed offering [written] candy to strangers, and your following and comments are returning candy to a stranger. I follow and comment on all of the blogs of my followers and believe that what we do in some way keep romanticism alive and well. Literature, storytelling and communications are the root of romanticism and I feel privileged to be part of a neighborhood that shares and supports that ideal.
So pass the candy and get to know each other…you are all more than worthy of it!

Gushy…and no poop joke…I’m slipping!

I’m just saying.

Stuff I've Drawn...

While I work my way through my "brainfartblogtopicdrought" I want to keep you engaged and entertained. The following are drawings (mostly cartoons) I have drawn because...well I had time, pencil and paper. Please enjoy.

Melvin and I have been working together for about 30 years.

This is called "Customer Service". Anne Dickens...you can relate with your laptop debacle :)

An early attempt at computer drawn cartoons

This was a present to Mariann when she received her PhD in Psychology (click to enlarge)

Seasonal Stuff!

Thanksgiving Turkeys looking for an out.

Santa...the day after...

And finally on a more serious note...a drawing I did while traveling abroad. It is called "The Seven Arches at Kenilworth".

I was traveling through England in the off season and happened upon this castle. It was closed to the public at the time, but I managed to sweet-talk a grounds keeper into letting me on the property. It was a beautiful sunny early spring day and I had the whole place to myself. I drew this detail and wandered about admiring the incredible architecture. I was standing alone in the middle of a 7 acre courtyard...bright blue sky, billowy clouds and not a soul in sight. In the middle of this 7 acre courtyard...alone...a bird flew overhead and pooped on my shoulder! I looked up and I swear that bird circled round for another look. I laughed and called out, "Nice shot! Have a good day."

I'm just saying.

The Space In Between

I called my cousin Anne today with a totally selfish objective. I write for a living every day, but it is about technical writing and advertising copy. This blog…I write as a creative outlet to entertain the people who have volunteered to follow me.  I truly appreciate every reader I have here. I was fishing for topics.

I started the conversation with Anne by saying”I have a favor to ask, but first how are you doing?”. Be careful what you ask for. I have reached a minor writer’s block for topics on this blog and wanted to solicit topics to write about. Anne told me of many things that were going on in her life and as she told the stories I heard the titles to a hundred topics but knew I couldn’t write about any of them because it would violate her privacy…and well, I have to wait a respectable amount of mourning time to describe the story involving “Of Mice and Men”, a rabbit named “Phoenix” and a nephew we will refer to as “Lenny”.

And so we come to the space in between. The space between what we believe in, and what we believe. We believe in God, but we believe he/she has a sense of humor…thus the platypus, hiccups and ear hair. We believe in government, and yet we believe that elections will provide sound minds and stability. The point being that what we believe in is serious, but we will believe most anything. Faithful, but gullible.

Therein lies the humor of daily life. The contrast between holding our faith and holding our tongue. If anyone is struck down suddenly by an oncoming bus it is tragic…if that same person were say…struck down suddenly by a manure spreader…well sorry, but if you read this and you don’t come up with at least 3 one-liners for that…you’re, you're…well it’s funny!

Life is light and dark, and so is humor. The space in between means turning the darkest side into a lighter view of anything and you will be inspired. Let me put it this way…If you have never laughed at a funeral…you were the guest of honor! Embrace darkness...live for the light.

I’m just saying.

Bees, Sex and Poop!

Bees

Bert and Morry are two elder gentlemen who meet at the park every Tuesday morning to feed bread crumbs to the pigeons and visit.
Bert: How are you today?

Morry: Fine…and you?

Bert: Fine. I have a new hobby.

Morry: Really? What is it?

Bert: I collect bees.

Morry: Really? Do you have hives in the yard that you keep to harvest the honey?

Bert: No, I just keep them in a jar in the closet.

Morry: A jar? Do you poke holes in the lid?

Bert: No…should I?

Morry: Of course! If you don’t poke holes, the bees will die!

Bert: Well, that’s okay…it’s only a hobby.

Sex

Ira and Marvin have been married for more than 60 years. They have a good relationship and still find time to be intimate with each other. Ira was out shopping and arrives home to find Marvin sitting on the couch watching television.
Ira: Marvin…what are you watching?

Marvin: A pornographic movie.

Ira: What are you watching a pornographic movie for?

Marvin: Well, maybe I will learn something new.

That night when they go to bed Ira is feeling a little frisky.

Ira: Well, did you learn anything today that you want to share?

Marvin: Yes. For one thing Ira, I think you should moan more.

Ira: Moan? Okay, should I moan now?

Marvin: No, not yet.

They begin gently kissing and getting comfortable together.

Ira: Should I moan yet?

Marvin: Not yet. I will let you know.

Some time passed and things had reached a mild fevered pitch.

Marvin: Okay Ira, you should moan now.

Ira: Okay…OI, WHAT A DAY I HAD TODAY…LET ME TELL YOU…

More Sex
Marvin and Ira visit the Doctor for their annual physicals. The Doctor examines them both [separately] and returns to talk with Marvin. The Doctor reports that for their ages, both Marvin and Ira are both in very good health.

Dr.: Is there anything that concerns you about your health?

Marvin: Well, yes. When Ira and I make love…the first time I break into a sweat, and the second time I get the chills!

Dr.: Ummm, twice…you make love twice? Hmmm, I’ll be back in a few minutes, please be comfortable.

The Doctor goes to report the results to Ira and she tells him she has no concerns at that time.

Dr.: I have to ask you…and by the way I find it amazing that you and Marvin have a healthy active sex life…but Marvin is concerned that when you make love, the first time he sweats, and the second time he gets the chills…can you help me with this?

Ira: Oh that! Of course! The first time is in July, the second time is in December…

Poop!

Bert and Morry meet on the park bench on Tuesday morning.
Bert: So how are you? Me? I’m feeling irregular.

Morry: I’m sorry to hear that. Not me though. Every morning I wake up at 7am and have a good bowel movement; Regular as clockwork.

Bert: That’s fantastic…that’s great!

Morry: No, it’s not that great.

Bert: Are you kidding…what I’d give for a good bowel movement! How is it not great?

Morry: I don’t get out of bed until 7:30…


I’m just saying

So…I Was Just Thinking…

I know I have touched on this topic before, but I have some observations and questions and hopefully I will come to some resolve and move on.

We have in recent times had several close calls with suicidal terrorists. First there was the shoe bomber who wanted to blow himself up on a plane by lighting C4 he had hidden in his shoes…he couldn’t keep a match lit. Then we had the underpants bomber who had explosives in his Fruit of the Looms…and apparently thought his pee-pee was a wick. Most recently we had the young fellow who attempted to blow up an SUV in NYC. Aside from the poorly constructed explosive device, he also managed to lock the keys to his escape vehicle inside the bomb vehicle?!?

These blunders [although I am very grateful they failed] led me to a couple of conclusions.

1. The terrorist groups that train and support these people have some serious quality control issues.

2. These 3 acts seem to support the axiom that men won’t read the instructions.

One might think,”Geez, how stupid! It’s not rocket science!”’ but in fact to a small extent it is, and obviously these boys seem to have skipped a couple of classes. Someone suggested to me recently that perhaps the terrorist groups were dredging the bottom of the barrel for volunteers to commit suicide bombings. I would love to believe that, in fact I wish that we have reached the bottom of an empty barrel, but I know that that is foolish optimism.

I admit I am ignorant to many of the rules and laws that govern the beliefs of these terrorist groups, but I have heard many times that if one succeeds at a suicide bombing in the name of the cause; they will ascend to heaven and be greeted by 72 virgins. For me, this is not a deal maker. If [and I mean IF] I get to heaven, I don’t want the responsibility of managing 72 nubile rookies! No, I want to kick back, relax and watch the Cubs win a World Series! I just know for a fact that I have never had the required stamina anyway.

So, if the bottom of the barrel has been reached…I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I still have to ask why.

Given the number of international incidents over the last decade or so, and given the promise of 72 virgins, is it possible that some of the smarter terrorists have started doing the math and realized that the inventory of virgins in heaven is seriously compromised? Really! It has to be a finite number! So I am thinking that they are thinking, “Well, yah I’d do it but I might get to heaven and find out that I am 12 virgins short of my quota…so why risk it?”

The federal government supports the death penalty for acts of terrorism and I will only express my views by saying that I think it is futile. It does not reduce crime, it does not resurrect victims, it only creates a perverse sense of closure, and fiscally it only frees up jail cell space for the next person inline. Will I ever protest against it? NO, I simply think it doesn’t really solve anything. To that end and with that conclusion we may be able to come to a mutually beneficial solution.

These terrorist fellows commit the acts they do for a twisted belief that they will be rewarded with 72 virgins in the end. We can satisfy our policy of reaction, and their desire for suicide. Okay, fine. Take them to the middle of an abandoned rock quarry, strap a vest full of C4 to them and call out from a great distance “Here we go; your 60 virgins [sorry there is a back order on the other 12] AWAIT YOU…3…2…1…

Seems like a win, win to me ?!?
I’m just saying

Ahhhh, Mother’s Day!

Yah…Mother’s Day was a few of days ago, and I’ve fallen behind on posting. So sue me! It turned out to be a good day, but not without planning and some insistence. My mother revels in attention and expects it especially on this day. She deserves it as well…she raised me, and her nervous twitches are hardly noticeable anymore.

My sister-in-law Laura is spending her first Mother’s Day since my brother passed and I didn’t want her to spend it alone, or as a fifth wheel somewhere else. So here was the plan.

I called my niece to make sure she, my nephew and their two daughters were available for dinner on Mother’s Day. I would gather up Mom and head out to Laura’s where I would bring and prepare dinner while all of the Mom’s relaxed and yacked. The only timing issue with the idea was that Russ, my nephew had to work that day starting at 2:30PM. No problem. We will get there mid-morning, I will cook and we’ll eat in time for Russ to get to work.

So…I went to Mom’s in the morning, brought her flowers and packed her up for the trip. I brought Higgy and Gibby (my dogs) and we headed to Laura’s. We arrived mid-morning in time to fix dinner and get Russ to work on time. Mom has an aversion (Allergy????) to dogs. Laura has 2 dogs, I have 2 dogs…hmmm let’s test Mom’s metal. When we got to Laura’s [a 75 mile drive], we put all of the dogs out in the yard to fend for themselves for the day. They all get along just fine…cousins playing outside all day.

Jen and Russell arrived shortly after we did and Kali and Dakota (my grand-nieces) lit up the room! I planned a simple feast that would be easy to prepare and I wouldn’t need any help. More time for everyone to visit. I had everything under control and on time and the only help I got [which I appreciate] was when Jen volunteered to mash the potatoes. She almost insisted at the opportunity and I have to say Jen truly seemed to “get into it”. She vigorously mashed the daylights out of those potatoes…I think she was venting…I dunno??

Now when Laura bought the house one of the selling features was a formal dining room. It is a very nice, very large room. To that end Laura also decided on a dining table that lived up to the room. It too is a very nice Veeerrry large table. It can seat 12 adults very comfortably. When dinner was served I took Mom by the arm and escorted her into the dining room saying, “I think the matriarchs should sit at each end, and the rest of us can fill in between.” Mom asked, “Which end shall I sit at?” I replied, “You see how large the table is? The question is which postal code would you rather sit in.”

Dinner went well and we all had a good chance to visit. During dinner I asked Russell about his work. Russell was in the US Air Force and spent 4 tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. When he came home and left the Air Force, he became a Federal Corrections Officer at a prison about 50 miles southwest of here. I was admittedly a little star struck when I found out that Russ’ duty that weekend was to guard the “Christmas Bomber”. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is the fellow who on Christmas Day on a flight to Detroit tried to light himself on fire to blow up the plane. The media calls him the Christmas Bomber…I prefer to call him the “Underpants Bomber” He did in fact set his underwear on fire!

When Russ was leaving for work I asked, “Russ, can you talk with Umar?” He replied,”Sure, I guess, why?”

“Would you ask him a question for me? It’s something I’m just curious about.”

Russ:”I have to be careful, but what do you want to know?”

Me:” Was it boxers…or briefs?”

I’m just saying

A week in Review – The Technology Paradox

Yes it is only Thursday…but it feels much later. I have been remiss about regular posts because work has chewed up my waking hours lately. I love technology and my business depends on it. I am inoperably cranially connected to technology every day. Dependence…addiction…reliance, much the same way (to a lesser degree) that Western Europe air travel was dependant on Iceland keeping a lid on their volcano. I keep a fresh supply of brown paper bags in my desk for hyperventilating when my email server is down.

I run a small marketing consulting firm. What is that you ask? Well…very few people understand it. Most businesses think that sales and marketing are synonymous. Wrong! If marketing is done properly, you don’t need sales people, you simply need order takers. Marketing is strategy, planning, tactical implementation, branding, customer management…rinse and repeat. In today’s world, technology is the pulse of marketing. Social networking, viral advertising, YouTube, Pay Per Click advertising, broadcast email campaigns, etc., purchase behavior analysis, and on and on. If you are a small business and you don’t leverage these outlets, you are as big as you will ever get, and may well wind up an endangered species.

So here’s the paradox:

I love technology. I have a cell phone that is capable of sending and receiving text messages, streaming video, taking pictures, GPS tracking, and probably cooking eggs 3 different ways for breakfast…but I have blocked ALL of those features! I want to make and receive phone calls only! I don’t want my cell phone to connect with the internet for the same reason I don’t want my television to make toast! Phone calls…that is all a phone is for.

On the other hand…my clients depend on me to be on the front edge of technology. A typical conversation:

Ring…Ring
Me (while driving my car): “Hello?"

Client: “Hey, did you get my text?”

Me:”No, I don’t get text messages, what’s up?”

Client:”I sent you a text to let you know that I emailed you about a fax that I sent you! What should I do?”

Me:”I’m driving at the moment, but I will check your email when I get back to the office. What is the urgency?”

Client: “Read my text! When can you handle this?”

Me:”I am driving I can’t read your text…what is your concern?”

Client:”I got an email from a company that says they can guarantee me a million dollars is sales if I sign up with them and pay $4000.00 a month for their services…what should I do?”

Me: What I thought ”By all means, give them your bank information…and Good Luck!!”

What I said, “Ignore it…it’s a scam.”

Smart technology doesn’t make us smarter; it makes us have to pay attention to more stuff. My Grandfather used to say “Automatic just means one more thing to worry about.”

I’m just saying

More Stuff You Should Read!

Megan Hesse – Sugary Cynicism
Megan is a university student currently in the throes of finals who still finds (seizes) the time to post updates ranging from film and TV reviews, to a running diary of daily life in her world. As Megan puts it herself, her blog is “life from a kid who sees the glass half empty but still useful as a projectile weapon.”

The observations are astute, the wit is sharp and the stories always make you want to come back and see what in the world is on her mind next! I find for myself that Megan’s blog is a way for me to keep an eye on the mindset of American youth :).

Bren Tierney – Cosmic Naval Lint
I have been following Bren for some time now, and frankly, I love his blog. Bren is a British Subject who has a laser focus on American politics. For the same reasons I forego national news outlets and get my nightly fix of issue updates from Jon Stewart, I also look to Bren to keep me informed. In Bren’s defense I sometimes wonder if the American revolution was concluded by virtue of Britain simply thinking, “This is a problem child…let’s cut our losses and give them independence.” Although much of the content is not in Bren’s words, it is very well researched and still allows through interpretation and comment an open forum. If you are formulating an opinion about politics, or even who you may vote for in the Mid-terms, Bren deserves a read to balance your view, and raise questions as well.

Una LaMarche - The Sassy Curmudgeon
Una is a blogging Maven! A contributing writer to the Huffington Post, and a fashion contributor to multiple publications, Una finds time to post an eclectic collection of stories, observations, updates, and trivia gems that will always keep you entertained, engaged and coming back for more. Una’s “thirty something” life in NYC with her photographer husband is sprinkled with daily life, and views of the larger world that are smartly funny, accurate and easy to relate to. Always a good read!

GO READ
I'm just saying!