And You Can Bank On It…

So it’s Sunday morning about 6:00AM, I’m tired and I’d like to sleep in until say…7:00Am…not so much. The boys [my two dogs] have a daily agenda that starts with getting fed at 6:00Am regardless of what I think. They don’t know Sunday morning from anything…I gotta teach them to read a calendar…

Dogs tended to, first cup of coffee poured I started my Sunday routine. Pay bills, write checks, balance the checkbook. I went online to check my electronic statement and found a $30 charge that had no description, payee only a transaction number. Whadda-wha? Did I forget something? Why $30? It looks like a fee…what did I do?

I called the bank which offers 24/7 customer service (which may change after today).

CSR (Customer Service Representative):”Hello, this is [Rip you off while you sleep bank], how may I help you?”

Me:” Hello [answering at least 10 security questions to convince them I was me] I have a charge on my checking account [transaction number] can you tell me what it was for?”

CSR:”Oh that is an annual fee for your overdraft checking protection.”

Me:”’My what? I don’t have overdraft protection…what is that?”

CSR:”Yes you do. We automatically signed you up for it.”

Me:”What? Why? I have never written a bad check in my life! What was this for?”

CSR:”Well if you read the small print on the back of page 4 of your electronic statement [in type soooo small you couldn’t read it with 20/20 vision and a microscope] you would see that we automatically signed up our preferred customers with this program.”

Me:”Wait a minute. I am paying extra for a service I have no use for because I am a “Preferred“ customer? What would you charge if you didn’t like me?”

CSR:”Sir, this program protects you in case you overdraw your checking account.”

Me:”I have NEVER overdrawn! What are the terms?”

CSR:”Well, if you overdraw there is a fee of $35 to cover the check, and the balance will be placed in a credit account at 29.9% interest on the unpaid amount.”

Me:”Whadda-wha? You are charging me to maintain an account that I have never used and you will charge me for using it, plus 29.9% interest?”

CSR:”Yes sir…what is your question?”

Me:”Cancel the account! I don’t want it, I never approved it and frankly if I write a bad check you can shoot me and if I pay for the bullets it will save me money! I also want my $30 returned.”

CSR:”Well sir, as a one-time courtesy, we will return your fee.”

Me:”Whadda-wha? Okay…I had no intentions of making this personal until you went “I’m just reading the script” stupid on me! So answer a question. If someone took $30 from your wallet without your permission and only returned it when you caught them red-handed…would you consider that a courtesy?”

CSR:”Sir the funds have been credited…if there is nothing else I can help you with, thank you for banking with [Suck the life out of our customers] Bank and have a nice day.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

My Grandfather hid his cash in tobacco cans in the root cellar. Smokers Unite! I need storage space.

I’m just saying.