What He Thought…And What He Said

This is a purely hypothetical post…a composite of real conversations. I have this friend…he helps take care of his mother who is in her 80’s and lives alone. She is still reasonably sound of mind, and a little wobbly, but in good health otherwise. My friend has at least 3 conversations a day with his mother and visits her with some regularity to help fix things around the house, visit and otherwise check up on her.

The following is an excerpt from a typical daily conversation, during work hours, early in the morning:

Phone rings:

Him: “Hello [Company Name Here], this is [His Name Here], how can I help you?”

Mom: “Well, you’re at work?”

He thought: “Well Mom…you called me…and I answered the phone…so yah, I’m at work!”
He said: “Good morning Mom, how are you today?”

Mom: “I never know where you are.”

He thought: “I have caller ID...and yet I answered the phone.”
He said: “How are you feeling this morning?”

Mom: “Oh, okay. I just got back from the Kroger [grocery store]. I hate winter vegetables. They don’t have any taste. Where do they grow them…in the desert?”

He thought: “I need to water the plants in the office, they look a little droopy.”
He said: “We import the winter vegetables, they come from all over, and they aren’t as good as what you grow in your garden, that’s for sure.”

Mom: “They had really nice, fresh spinach, so I got a batch.”

He thought: “Oi, here we go…”
He said: “Mom, you know you aren’t supposed to eat spinach. It throws your Coumadin levels off.”

Mom: “Oh, that’s okay; I’ll just eat a bowl of cranberries to balance it out.”

He thought: “oh, sh#t! She’s going to spontaneously bleed to death in her sleep because she can’t stick to a simple diet.”
He said: “Mom…stick to your diet. You shouldn’t be self medicating with food and try to balance your Coumadin levels. The Doctor will figure it out you know.”

Mom: “Oh, he’ll never know!”

I…I mean he thought: “Oh sure, finding you curled up in a bloody mass on the floor from hemophilia caused by your arrogant denial of a proper diet to keep your levels balanced… just...because you were too stubborn…it won’t be pretty, and the Dr. WILL know…and it will be too late.”
I…I mean he said: “Just the same, stick to the diet. “

Mom, in perfect transition: “You never call you know!”

He thought: “Oh crap, here we go again. I called last evening. You told me you were going out to supper with [insert gold-digging boy toy who is not my father…I mean his father here].”
He said: “We talked last evening. You told me about your supper plans.”

Mom: “Oh, yah…amazing…you called me. Do you know how many Valentines cards I got?”

He thought: “No, but I’m about to find out…and please, please don’t start reading them all to me.”

Mom: “24 so far…let me read them to you…”

He thought: “Please! Somebody else PLEASE call me right now! No…just shoot me! Really…I’ll pay for the bullet!”
He said: “Mom, I’m coming down to see you tomorrow. How about if you leave them out and I’ll read them when I get there?”

Mom: “How long will you be here?”

I…I mean he thought: “It depends on how many cards I have to read.”
I…I mean he said: “I’ll come down mid-morning. I’ll read the cards; we’ll have a yak and go out to lunch. How’s that?”

Mom: “Okay, remember not to call me tonight because I have supper plans…but you better call in the morning!”

He thought: “Oh good…another reason to live?!?”
He said: “I’ll call you when I’m on my way out the door.”

Mom: “You say you will, but we’ll see.”

He thought: “I love you Mom…ohhhhh how I love you…you….I love you Mom (ten times real fast).”
He said: “I love you Mom. See you tomorrow.”

Now I, I mean my friend, really does love his mother and if she ever gets connected to the internet this post will disappear in a heart-beat! He wants her to be happy and comfortable. He would jump in front of a bus to save her…hopefully during off-business hours, and hopefully not a large or fast moving bus.

I’m just saying.